& it's all true too.

"If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my hair. I’ll stash little notes for you where you least expect them. I don’t have many firsts left.. but I’d like someone who I could offer all of my lasts. We’ll make history together. I’ll wait for you even if you’re late – and I won’t complain about it. Kindness to cashiers, valets, waiters and maddeningly slow postal clerks who would try the patience of Gandhi is a must. I will feel safe and most at peace in your arms. When you’re counting aloud, I will try and mess you up. I find you magically delicious. I will let you be right when it doesn’t really matter. I’ll giggle when you show off and I know it’s just for me. I’ll hold your coffee while you drive. I can build a fire without burning the house down. If you wash the car with me – I promise to wear a white t-shirt for you. I‘ll hide around corners and try to scare you in the middle of the night.. of course, I’ll end up scaring myself and you’ll have to calm me down. I can change a flat tire and my own oil. It’s the simple things you do that make me swoon the most. I love it when you sing to me. I’ll make you mickey mouse pancakes. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we’re doing it together. I’ll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching tv. I won’t swear around your family or make you wear silly sweaters at my family’s during Christmas. I’ll grant you three wishes. I’ll make you laugh. I’ll stare in wonder with you at that hot chick with the great rack. I will marvel at your strength. I’ll take care of you when you’re sick. I give a kick ass massage. I think it’s hot when you come home all dirty from playing or working hard. My heart will skip every time you walk through the door. My kisses will take your breath away – seriously. I’ll giggle if you leave your socks on in bed. My quirks and oddities have been deemed ‘adorable’ and I will love you more everyday for all of yours. I’ll hold you when you need it. I will give you space when you need it. I will let you be you. You’ll sleep better when I’m next to you. I’ll thank you every time you open a door for me. I’ll never give you shit in front of your friends. I won’t ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch and a passionate kiss. We can watch your movie first. I’ll clean the house perfectly every time your mom comes by. I like horror movies only when you’re with me and only as long as you hold me close. I don’t litter. I love when you pull me down to sit on your lap. I love it when you lay your head on my chest in bed. I can be ready (shower and all) in half an hour. I’ll look cute as hell in your shirt in the morning. I can balance a checkbook. I can never turn down a challenge. I’ll fit perfectly in your arms. I’ll understand if you get jealous – and do my best to show you that you have no reason. Hand-written love notes will get you laid every time. I can totally keep a secret. I’m pretty damn funny and will do anything to make you laugh. You will always look hot to me in the morning. I think it’s cute when you eat off my plate. When you’re sleeping, I’ll try to stay quiet. I’ll call when I say I will. Treat me like a woman and I’ll treat you like a man. To clarify: I’m not looking for a fix-up project, or anything of that sort. I’m looking for a man who quite simply adds something extraordinary and special to my life. And I to him. A fair exchange, an amazing mind, body and soul connection and a place to build something magnificent."

(I wish I could say I wrote that, but I didn't. I have no idea who wrote it. I love it anyways. I stole it from my evil twin. Thanks SJ. Lots of giant things coming soon. Stay tuned...)

The sun never says...

Even after all this time,

The sun never says to the earth,

"you owe me."

Look what happens with a love like that,

It lights the Whole Sky.

(Hafiz)

Imagine that. Love without expectation.

The sun gives to the earth without ever asking anything in return.

Can you imagine if we all spent a little more time loving more & expecting less?

ex·pec·ta·tion

   [ek-spek-tey-shuhn] Show IPA

–noun

1.

the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2.

the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3.

an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4.

something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5.

Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

6.

the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.

7.

Statistics. mathematical expectation.

8.

the state of being expected: a large sum of money in expectation.

I have expectations of myself as a person, a dancer, a yogi, an athlete, a Rockette, a friend, a sister, a young trendy girl living in NYC... I have expectations of my family, my friends, Starbucks baristas, yoga instructors, ballet instructors, taxi cab drivers...the list goes on. How reasonable are they & how many of them could I let go? Where did they even come from? Walking into any experience with too many expectations inhibits the ability to fully appreciate it. The world is a beautiful place, let it be. It's healthy to be optimistic, to push yourself...but experience has taught me that holding onto unreasonable expectations generally leads to dissapointment. We're all crazy perfectionists in a demanding world. It's time to shake off all those expectations & live each day with fresh eyes & a fresh mind. Spring cleaning!!! Let each moment come to you without expectation, & enjoy each experience for exactly what it is. I mean, in it's most simple form, that's what life is all about anyways, right? Once you've made some space by clearing out some of those crazy expectations, you may even have room for a little bit more love & compassion? The world could definitely use it.

(Can you tell I've been taking a lot of yoga again? All my crazy, hippie, peace, love, ballet & yoga talk? I spent 6:00pm until 7:30 upside down in yoga working on using my low, low abdominal muscles to initiate bringing my legs straight up into handstands then again in headstands...I'm going to be sore tomorrow...I love yoga)

quarantined

Sixty seven degrees. Sunshine. Birds. Kids playing outside.

And so far it looks like this is as close as I'm going to get to any of it. (yes that absolutely is my window) Unfortunately it seems that my immune system was not aware of my busy weekend plans & has decided to quit on me. Instead of a BBQ & a night out on the town, I'm thinking it's Dayquil & tea in bed. Hopefully I can kick this before tomorrow because I have an 'Easter Feaster' to attend, & even more importantly I'm going to see one of my very best, most beautiful friends/big sister I never had, perform with a friend's company. So throat: If you wouldn't mind, pleeease return to normal size & quit aching when I swallow, & head please stop being so congested. As nice as spending the entire weekend in bed reading & writing sounds, I'd actually much rather be out & about enjoying spring in NYC.

Please & Thank You.

My little sis being serenaded by one of the band members @ Cafe Wha.

Legendary spot. Amazing night.

My father, lovingly referred to as 'Dad Seger' showing my sis his latest project: The Packard. He's a mechanical genius. He loves cars. & cowboy boots.

Get it down, before it is lost.

"I shambled after as usual as I've been doing all my life after people that interest me, because the only people that interest me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing...but burn, burn, burn like roman candles across the night."

-Jack Kerouac

On the Road

Reinvent. Reinvent. Reinvent.

Give me 3 steps mister & you'll never see me no more

I'm fairly certain walking home from the gym, it wasn't my step propelling me forward, but pushing the world back behind me.

Let's see, it's been 11 days since 9:30pm has found me on this couch. My sister visited, we went to Detroit, I had a mini-vacation in midtown, a lot more social activity than I'm used to. (not that it's a bad thing)

Going back to Detroit was emotionally jarring.

Sometimes you have to take a couple steps backwards to see how far you've come.

Not exactly a walk in the park. More teary eyed & gut wrenching. Dust settled far into the back corners of your mind is stirred up & feelings that had faded into faint memories come rushing over you like the tide. It seems like only yesterday... Driving down the same streets, walking through the same doors, into the same places I had been so many times before started to blur the lines between the girl I am now & the girl I used to be. I am a completely different person than I was two years ago, last summer & even two months ago. However, the solace stemming from that fact didn't come before hindsight. I had to suffer in those places, & in those memories for a minute before I realized they were only ghosts from my past. I don't live in those moments or have need for those feelings anymore.

They're only memories, I associate feelings with times with places so strongly that sometimes walking through a doorway takes me away to another time. (an overactive imagination doesn't help)

So though I had a wonderful time seeing my mother & father, whom I don't think I give enough credit sometimes & my sister who is my best friend & my most valuable confidant, my visit didn't happen without wounds being opened & salted. But it was only me who was doing the opening & salting. Maybe I'm terrible at letting go. Maybe my willingness to forgive & forget is completely exterior. Maybe I've just been through a lot of rough times & the letting go process takes longer for me. Maybe I'm stubborn. All of the above are very possible. Someone very dear to my heart has been continually suggesting, well, imploring that I do a little bit of spring cleaning...clear the old cobwebs from those dark corners of my mind to make space for something new & brighter & better. I need old resentment like I need 10lb. weights in my LaDucas.

Believe me when I say, I'm trying. Unfortunately they don't make a "Letting Go & Moving

On for Dummies," I checked...

It's a process & a moment to moment conscious decision. My favorite thing to say is, "it's only a part of your life as long as you allow it to be." (I leave out how difficult it is sometimes) Maybe, just maybe, I'm a tiny bit hypocritical sometimes. I don't mean to be, I promise, I'm just better at giving advice than I am at actually applying it all to myself.

The realization that I am not the same girl I was the last time I looked at myself in that bathroom mirror, in that house, is nothing less than inspiring. They say the only constant is change, so I suppose if I'm not changing, I'm not living. And it all seems to be for the better, so despite the fact that I rarely have any idea what I'm doing, I seem to be doing alright.

Happy Thursday everyone!

(ps- since I'm getting all blog savvy, I figured out how to connect my page with my virtual bookshelf...see it's over there, on the left, down a little bit? I don't know if you know this but I'm a gigantic bookworm & I love my books the way people love their plants & hermit crabs & babies so if you're ever curious what I'm reading & what authors I love the most...check it out! Right now it's everything & anything Tao Lin)

(pps that 'Dear Jack Kerouac' business up at the top of this entry was respectfully stolen from one of my new obsessions: Letters to Dead People. Take a peek. You'll love it. I promise.)

http://letterstodeadpeople.tumblr.com/

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

I've had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

This picture is helping:

Today has officially fortified the simple fact that my best friends are dance classes, yoga, food, my books, my knitting, my uke & my dogs.

(Okay, & a very select few human beings)

The past few weeks have been rough. Today was just the icing on the cupcakes I just spent my whole Friday night making. Now I have a kitchen full of cupcakes & a brain full of madness. Two things I don't need...I think my roommate is getting a little frustrated with my inner turmoil showing on her waistline. But to be honest, once I'm finished with the cupcakes I just assume toss them out the window one by one. I don't really want them. I just want to make them. Maybe I will start taking them to a soup kitchen. Anyone want free cupcakes? Maybe I can buy the kitten in that photo with cupcakes...I think I will call him him either Baby Hellcat or Mr. Mojo Risin' (Mr. Mojo for short) I miss my dogs. My sister gets here tomorrow, I can't wait to see her. These next couple weeks are going to be better. Just keep swimming I guess.

Nowhere To Go but Through

I've been doing a lot of over-analyzing lately. A lot of list making, spring cleaning, resolving, revamping, rethinking, 'self-therapizing.' And way too much opening my eyes wishing the sunrise would catch up with my brain. My off-switch is apparently jammed & all this darkness & down time is boring. Five hours of nothing but staring at the ceiling & listening to the cities' after hour hustle is a long night...so instead, I'm not even going to pretend I'm sleeping. I'm going to eat Hot & Spicy Cheez-its & tell you about my hair appointment.

I got my hair done two days ago, braved the NYC monsoon to travel all the way from way uptown to way downtown to Williamsburg, Brooklyn to go to my most favorite hair salon (Hello Beautiful. Check it out) & my most favorite hair stylist. (Rebecca. Mega hot. Master of her craft) I was so stressed about this hair appointment...I liked being a redhead because I felt it set me apart a little, but my sister & my roommate had red hair, but I kinda wanted to try something new, but I was worried it wouldn't look as good as the red, & what if it came out too boring or what if it was too normal, & what if this person didn't like it, what if, what if, what if what if....I turned a hair appointment into a crisis before I even got there, got it done & had a chance not to like it. If the Olympics ever make a sport out of anxiety, let me know...that gold medal will be mine. The devil's in the details & so is his advocate. It's too easy to get wound up over the little things & forget that regardless if my hair is red, blond or purple I'm still the same person. If I have new Jeffrey Campbell boots, the highest paying dance job ever, if I can hold a headstand in yoga for 7 hours straight....still the same girl.

Bukowski was right, " what matters most is how you walk through the fire." That's what defines you. How you handle yourself in those most extreme moments of your life. Having the ability to thrive & appreciate those beautiful moments in your life & the ability to hold your head high, dignity intact, at the worst. It's going to happen, that moment when you couldn't possibly imagine life being anymore unfair...then life takes you up on that challenge & gets just that much more unfair? You've been making lemonade so long you don't have any more room in your fridge & then life delivers you another truckload of lemons? That moment. When you squeeze your eyes shut, take a deep deep breath, nod your head & think to yourself, 'here we go'...Shed the self-doubt, malicious thoughts, desire to just give up & take the easy way out the way a snake sheds it's skin & start walking through the fire...Because those are the moments that define who you are, more than the clothes you wear, the bands you listen to.....& the color of your hair. I'm not much for believing life is necessarily fair, but my faith in karma remains intact...I may never grasp the system those giant golden scales operate on, however I refuse to be discouraged & give up.

Time will run out eventually, & I would much rather spend mine trying to get out of the fire, at least it beats the hell out of wallowing in it....

"The phoenix hope, can wing her way through the desert skies, & still defying fortunes' spite; revive from ashes & rise."

-Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Happy Tuesday!

ps- If you dig poetry, you should read this. It's magically delicious :

http://railroadpoetry.blogspot.com/