I'm fairly certain walking home from the gym, it wasn't my step propelling me forward, but pushing the world back behind me.
Let's see, it's been 11 days since 9:30pm has found me on this couch. My sister visited, we went to Detroit, I had a mini-vacation in midtown, a lot more social activity than I'm used to. (not that it's a bad thing)
Going back to Detroit was emotionally jarring.
Sometimes you have to take a couple steps backwards to see how far you've come.
Not exactly a walk in the park. More teary eyed & gut wrenching. Dust settled far into the back corners of your mind is stirred up & feelings that had faded into faint memories come rushing over you like the tide. It seems like only yesterday... Driving down the same streets, walking through the same doors, into the same places I had been so many times before started to blur the lines between the girl I am now & the girl I used to be. I am a completely different person than I was two years ago, last summer & even two months ago. However, the solace stemming from that fact didn't come before hindsight. I had to suffer in those places, & in those memories for a minute before I realized they were only ghosts from my past. I don't live in those moments or have need for those feelings anymore.They're only memories, I associate feelings with times with places so strongly that sometimes walking through a doorway takes me away to another time. (an overactive imagination doesn't help)
So though I had a wonderful time seeing my mother & father, whom I don't think I give enough credit sometimes & my sister who is my best friend & my most valuable confidant, my visit didn't happen without wounds being opened & salted. But it was only me who was doing the opening & salting. Maybe I'm terrible at letting go. Maybe my willingness to forgive & forget is completely exterior. Maybe I've just been through a lot of rough times & the letting go process takes longer for me. Maybe I'm stubborn. All of the above are very possible. Someone very dear to my heart has been continually suggesting, well, imploring that I do a little bit of spring cleaning...clear the old cobwebs from those dark corners of my mind to make space for something new & brighter & better. I need old resentment like I need 10lb. weights in my LaDucas.
Believe me when I say, I'm trying. Unfortunately they don't make a "Letting Go & Moving
On for Dummies," I checked...
It's a process & a moment to moment conscious decision. My favorite thing to say is, "it's only a part of your life as long as you allow it to be." (I leave out how difficult it is sometimes) Maybe, just maybe, I'm a tiny bit hypocritical sometimes. I don't mean to be, I promise, I'm just better at giving advice than I am at actually applying it all to myself.
The realization that I am not the same girl I was the last time I looked at myself in that bathroom mirror, in that house, is nothing less than inspiring. They say the only constant is change, so I suppose if I'm not changing, I'm not living. And it all seems to be for the better, so despite the fact that I rarely have any idea what I'm doing, I seem to be doing alright.
Happy Thursday everyone!
(ps- since I'm getting all blog savvy, I figured out how to connect my page with my virtual bookshelf...see it's over there, on the left, down a little bit? I don't know if you know this but I'm a gigantic bookworm & I love my books the way people love their plants & hermit crabs & babies so if you're ever curious what I'm reading & what authors I love the most...check it out! Right now it's everything & anything Tao Lin)
(pps that 'Dear Jack Kerouac' business up at the top of this entry was respectfully stolen from one of my new obsessions: Letters to Dead People. Take a peek. You'll love it. I promise.)