If people were rain, I was drizzle, she was hurricane.

I'm with Kelt on this one. Sometimes we both sit beside one another, separated by 15 feet & a wall, in our respective bedrooms, doors open, the smell of our candles & music pouring out of each one. We're both so tired we communicate through the wall by reading each others' blog & text messaging. Not every night of course, for example, Dancing With the Stars nights find us on the couch knitting together & discussing how frightening Donnie Osmond is, especially when he talks in third person...
Today was a rocky day. I went to the dark place a couple times mentally, but didn't allow myself to work any less than 100%. It's a bad sign when my legs feel this heavy and it's only Wednesday of week three. (We leave a week from today for Hershey, PA to start tech! Bye dirty Myrtle Turtle & Plantation Station!! Hello 11 hour tech days) Our directors keep telling us what a wonderful job we're doing & we keep praying for them to let up on us a little. It's not necessarily their job to be easy on us, but it's the compassionate thing to do. It's going to be a long, rough tour if we're already exhausted. We still have almost a month before we open!!!! Although I must admit it is rather exciting to be putting scenes together with the entire cast now. We have an incredibly talented ensemble of singers & dancers, who make rehearsal so much more agreeable by cheering us on while we're dancing. We, of course, do the same for them. We have so much fun together, I am a firm believer that casts who get along as well as ours does perform better. It also makes tour 200 times more enjoyable, considering we spend about 20 hours a day together! Monday I got to do an interview for Women's LifeStyle Magazine over my lunch break, it went really well! Tomorrow we're going to have news crews filming rehearsal all morning, I've had to turn the charm on all week.
The past couple days have left me a little frustrated. I have been feeling kind of like the harder I try to implement a more positive outlook, & be more accepting, & all of those things I've been talking about, the more I've sort of been feeling like things are falling apart, or like I'm losing control. A little defeated maybe? I try to dance harder, I make stupid mistakes. I spend more time focusing on treating my body properly, & my spine seems to get more screwed up & painful. I try to fix & rebuild relationships with people in my life, & I feel more neglected, or confused, or unhappy. Every dog has his day I guess...
I need to start being realistic about which of these things I even have control over. I was on a yoga retreat in August, & part of an exercise we did, involved all of us in a single file line, holding onto a rope. At one point, the woman who placed us in the order we were standing in, explained that she put us in certain places for specific reasons; the people towards the front were people who tried to control everything in their life. There I was, right in front. At first I thought to myself, she clearly doesn't know me...I'm nobodies control freak. Wait...am I? Ah ha moment. I am nearly incapable of just letting things happen around me. I can be so uptight that I can't even trust the universe to work in it's mysterious way. Instead I self inflict this giant burden of trying to control every aspect of every tiny thing in my life because I'm terrified the outcome won't be what I want if I don't. I have had such a white knuckle grip on so many things that it's difficult to let go, no wonder I feel like I'm getting carpal tunnel. How can I enjoy life's little suprises when I refuse to let them happen? It's impossible to manufacture life to be exactly how I want it to be. I can sit and pound away all day at that square peg but it's not going to fit into the triangle shaped hole, no matter how much I want it to.

It's about time to kick back & let the universe take some of that burden for me. What's meant to be will be. I've got enough things actually in my control to worry about. I can get so worked up about one aspect of my life that I completely neglect everything else, more often than not it's something negative that I've blown up to an epic proportion. Maybe if I stop trying to take responsibility for all the things I have no control over, I will have more time to enjoy the things I do. That almost sounds like a mental vacation. These are all such seemingly simple concepts, now why do they come so difficult to me? I feel like I have these brilliant epiphanies, that are common knowledge to everyone else. "What's meant to be will be?" Yep, I'm sure millions of people have that cross stitched on a throw pillow on their couch, & I'm acting like I just discovered a new galaxy. Better late than never I guess...:)
Tomorrow is a new day & I look forward to it. Everyone has a bad day, & everyone gets a little overwhelmed...that's life. What matters is how you move on from that point. I'm going to continue on this new little path I'm making, I'm sure there will be many more epiphanies fit for throw pillows in my future.

1 comment:

  1. i've learned that when i'm frustrated, especially if it's over mistakes i make while practicing, the more frustrated i get, the more i screw up. it's kinda like a snowball of mistakes. lately i've found that just telling myself "okay i did that wrong. i know what not to do now. i won't make the same mistake again." and then clearing it from my mind, taking and deep breath, and moving on to the next play REALLY really helps. no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. but that you learn from those mistakes is what i think matters in the end.

    so yea, that's my two sense... not sure how it relates, but oh well.. hopefully my rambling didn't annoy you too much.

    sounds like life is very very exciting for you guys right now :) good luck with practice, and have fun in hershey! totally stopped by the chocolate factory when i was wandering around the US looking at colleges. the kiss shaped lamp posts are soooo cute!

    oh and i'm totally feeling you on the whole praying for your instructors to let up, you are definitely not alone in that :)