& as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

I am not a perfect girl. I am human. I make mistakes. Lots of mistakes. I don't always say the right thing. I get defensive quickly & have a horrible memory. I constantly contradict myself. I'm selfish, impatient & a little insecure. At times I can be dramatic, wild, & impulsive. Butterflies, losing my teeth & being taken advantage of scare the crap out of me.

"I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people."
John Lennon

I have friends who love me unconditionally. I am beautiful, wild, adventurous, strong, scared & a little untrusting. Sometimes too trusting, free, opinionated, ugly, sad, happy, & everything in between...I laugh at what I find funny, & I cry when I feel sad. I have skin & bones, muscles, a brain & an imagination that spans infinite galaxies. I'm artistic & at times a bit ridiculous. I believe in magic & I work for Santa Claus. I have intense emotion. I'm doing my best. I am like no one you will ever meet because I am me.

So if life was exactly like a choose your own adventure book (remember those? "If you decide to start back home, turn to page 14.
If you decide to wait, turn to page 22.") I may have cheated and gone back for the other option a couple times. Unfortunately, that's just not the way the universe works. Life is a series of choices of varying degrees of importance & there is no going back and choosing the other page. You make your decisions & you & the world around you change accordingly. Instead of looking for the rewind button, all anyone can do is make the best of the world they've created for themselves, like it or not. Make better mistakes tomorrow.

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning middle & end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, & making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..."
-Gilda Radner

Between rehearsal & my personal life, this week has at least a month of living crammed into the past five days. Like I mentioned, there were a few times I wanted to go back for that other page & see what may have happened had I chosen it. Would I be better off? Or would that have been the catalyst for something even worse? Who knows? The silly thing is that no amount of worrying or wondering will allow me to know. Not worrying or wondering is easier said than done. I've been thinking a lot in this manner, because perhaps it's time for a change of perspective. I've allowed myself to think in a way that isn't entirely healthy or conducive to a really fulfilling, happy life. I'm putting my foot down. Worry less. Smile more. Accept criticism. Take responsibility. Listen, love & don't hate. Embrace change. Feel good anyway. Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it's looking beyond the imperfections. In one of my favorite Ani Difranco songs she says, "There's a crowd of people harbored in every person, there are so many roles that we play," It's really true right? (Ani is a genius) For example, I play a great victim, I throw a mean pity party. I'm sure if I met myself in that context I wouldn't like myself that much, so I'm working on not being that girl anymore. If I stopped being her all together, think about how much more time & energy I would have to put towards being the mover & shaker I am?! This has been an ongoing project of mine, I'm trying to simplify my life...I'm still a work in progress. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps...(What About Bob...anybody? One of my favorite movies!!!)

Anyways, rehearsals have been tough. Physically exhausting. It's our J.O.B. as our director, Julie likes to remind us, & we love it. She's hard on us because we have so much potential to be an extraordinary line. We all know that but still sometimes it's difficult not to go to the dark place & be cranky because we have to go back and run a number all the way through again. I personally get a tiny bit impatient during the cleaning process, I'm working on it. I dance for the Radio City Rockettes. The Radio City Rockettes are the #1 precision dance line in the entire world. The devil is in the details & you can bet your space boots that we are given & drilled every teeny tiny detail down to where our elbow is on count 4 & how it's different than count 5. So I better throw that poor outlook on cleaning right out the window, it won't get me anywhere. In fact it will just make the day longer. What right do I have to do anything other than devour every blessed moment that I am getting paid to do exactly what I've dreamed of doing since I was a little girl? I don't deserve to if I'm going to take it for granted. I have a beautiful, brilliant, insightful, irreplaceable friend who has everything it takes to land her dream job, but she's still searching for that door...how can I complain? She deserves it just as much as I do. So do you.

"This is what you shall do: love the earth & sun & the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid & crazy, devote your income & labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience & indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons & with the young & with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, & your very flesh shall be a great poem & have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips & face & between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body..." -Walt Whitman


  1. hi! just wanted to say i loved this blog. i was talking to one of my teammates earlier and we started talking about sort of the same question. what on earth would we do with our time if it wasn't being consumed by polo? we decided we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves if we weren't. besides who wants shoulders that work properly and muscles that don't feel like they're bruised and torn? :) haha...

    i remember those books from when i was younger too. i think in elementary school the R.L. Stine ones were really popular. i think we all sometimes wish life was like that, it would be pretty awesome to have the option to go back and take another path when it seems like the one you choose isn't working out. but then again we'd never learn from our mistakes...

    anyways, i love that gilda radner quote. that has definitely been written down in my journal for a few years now :)

    keep smiling and dancing! <3

  2. I love this. So much.
    Last week, I burnt my nose with a curling iron. I first cried + complained about how bad it looked, but then after a few days of trying to cover it up with makeup, I laughed. I laughed at myself. We're all human. We make mistakes, and it's skin. It will heal back up. It's just hard to realize that everything is like that. That it will heal up because everything does. Some may take longer than others, but it will heal.
    It's taken me years to realize that I am beautiful + talented. It took me so long to just tell myself that I can feel good and be a great friend. It's so hard to compliment yourself sometimes. But I've learned to. And everyone says this, but I'm just going to say it again because it's SO TRUE: you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.
    It's as simple as that.

    Oh, how I wish wish wish that I was tall enough to be a Rockette. I could keep wishing for things that I can't have, or I can wish + go for the things that I can have. I think that's much more worth it. I'll leave all the gorgeous kicks + perfection to you and the rest of the Rockettes.

    Dance. Breath. Smile. Shine.

    PS. I loved those books! And yes, I must confess that I always went back to see what happened when I chose the other page...