consider.affirm.trust.conceive.

Stop fighting the universe.

Does anyone know where I can get a really adorable set of owl matryoshka dolls? I must find some.

Having an immense proud moment...

The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.

Mother Teresa (1910 - 1998)

Easier said than done Mother Teresa. You've apparently never suffered a gut wrenching, life destroying break-up.

I just spent the day looking back on the high highs & lowest lows of a dear friend through her own words. After turning the final page, (or rather pressing the 'next page' button on my kindle for the last time) I'm in awe of her talent for story-telling, honored to call such an amazing, inspired woman my friend, & even more convinced we were separated at birth. Honest people are on the endangered species list & she's proof there are still good, gracious people on the planet. (good, gracious, talented & hot at that) Her ability to be honest to herself & then share that with the world, is not only incredibly brave, but it is inspiring. Maybe I could stand to be a little more honest & true to myself. Maybe we all could. Her resiliency, determination & love of life are truly something to aspire to & her charmingly awkward, sometimes painful missteps on her path to finding love, dealing with loss & working as a performer in the entertainment industry, relateable. Even having known her personally, this book has given me a whole new respect for her as a performer, as a woman & as a rolemodel. I would love to keep gushing, but you all are going to have to wait & see for yourselves. I can only promise you're going to absolutely love it.

"Dance allowed me to escape from the real life I was so terrible at living. I existed in a dream world of glitter and costumes, of props and pride. I felt happiest alone in my room at night, choreographing entire shows I dreamt of performing for my class. In my dream world, everyone who ever doubted me became a believer."

-Keltie Colleen, Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom

**Kelt I'm so proud of you. I hope you know how much you've grown in the past 18 months. You're a constant reminder to the people in your life that good still does exist in the world.

Touching but Separate

Most people are on the world, not in it—have no conscious sympathy or relationship to anything about them—undiffused, separate, and rigidly alone like marbles of polished stone, touching but separate.

John Muir

(1838 - 1914)

Get into it!

20 years ago today...

(Can you believe 1990 was 20 years ago?) Twenty years ago today this world lost one of the most epic blues musicians/guitarists/one of my favorite musicians ever.

Stevie Ray Vaughan

RIP Stevie. When I was six years old I was in love with you & I used to dance around my living room, playing air guitar to your albums. 20 years later I'm still doing the same thing. (the only difference is that I carry nearly your lifes' work everywhere I go in my phone & can be caught dancing to it on street corners, in elevators, on trains, in my kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, the park & pretty much anywhere else) You live on in the hearts & eardrums of ever faithful fans. (& little girls who aren't so little anymore who always dreamed of seeing you play live, impressing you with their sweet dance moves & living happily ever after with you) Thank you for sharing your gifts with us in your time on this planet & thank you for transporting me to a far, far away place every time (even still) that I press play...

‎'I think I've got something special to say with my music. But I have to keep these things in perspective, because they're gifts. It's all a gift, and I have to keep giving it back or it goes away. If I start believing that it's all my doing, it's gonna be my undoing.I'm committing myself to doing the most I can with the gifts I have, so that they do as much good as possible.'

-- Stevie Ray Vaughan

http://cbs11tv.com/video/?id=57012%40ktvt.dayport.com

The Silent Comedy

So recently I was out on the west coast to tell people about what I do on the east coast & very, very early one sunny morning @ the San Diego Fox 5 News station I made some cool new friends with very fancy facial hair. They have a pretty jazzy sound & the more I listen the more I dig.

Please allow me to present The Silent Comedy.

Check it out.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

(Oriah Mountain Dreamer)

wan-der-lest

Soul is hot & heavy. Spirit is cool, abstract, detached. Soul is connected to the earth & it's waters. Spirit is connected to the sky & it's gases. Out of the gases springs fire.

Obsessed

Hi Mumford & Sons, your music is epic. You make banjos look cooler than I have ever seen them look. Where have you been hiding all of this time?

It's so reassuring when every so often I find music from this century that doesn't make me want to barf.

Dear Robert Zimmerman:

"I consider myself a poet first and a musician second. I live like a poet and I'll die like a poet. "

Today is the 69th birthday of one of the dreamiest men to ever walk the earth. Happy Birthday Bob Dylan. Thank you for being a poet, a preacher, a folk legend, a genius, a religious chameleon, a voice of a generation, a revolutionary, & one of the loves of my life. I wish you many, many more & I'd still kiss you even though you're 69.

Brute Force

Today was magical. A dear friend of mine convinced me to put down my book for a couple hours & take in a show with him. After a particularly frustrating day, & in my ongoing attempt to shake at least a little bit of my anti social tendencies, I threw on a dress & heels & headed out the door to meet him in Union Square. (At that point in time, not realizing that he was staying only two blocks from my apartment.) Somehow, while still running my typical ten minutes late, I managed to beat him downtown & took it as an opportunity to sit at the one empty picnic table in the park & enjoy the last few rays of sunshine on a particularly balmy New York afternoon. There were throngs of people coming and going in every direction set to the soundtrack of a saxophone being played somewhere on the other side of the park. I must say, all was right in the world. Eventually an older man joined me, inquiring about my tattoo & then my book, two subjects that delight me to no end. As the time came for me to meet my friend at the theater, in the midst of our goodbyes, he told me that I was radiant.

What struck me about it was that he wasn't complimenting my long eyelashes, or my straight teeth, he was complimenting how my appreciation for life shows in my face, he was complimenting my veracity, my graciousness & my love for the universe. I was really taken aback & really, really flattered. I am really happy with life, I guess it shows in my face, even to strangers. It's a lovely way to be, I highly recommend it.

Anyways, on to Fuerza Bruta, I met my friend at the front of the theater, & as we made our way up the narrow staircase amidst the other patrons, I asked where our seats were, to which he replied, 'oh we're not sitting...this show is standing room only.' (Which would have been fantastic to know before hand, I would have maybe not gone with a 4 inch heel.)

When I say that I spent the next hour of my life watching a show, I mean 'show' only in the bear bones of the definition because I was watching someone else perform. It was more of an experience, I don't really know how else to put it. It was a shockingly brilliant sensory overload. I was wide eyed, standing on my toes, dancing, shouting, terrified, confused, enraptured, smiling, waving, clapping, staring face to face with one of the most beautiful performers I have ever seen through a transparent mylar pool suspended from the ceiling hanging only inches over my head...it was unlike anything I've ever seen. I immediately changed my life plan to performing with this company of amazing, beautiful people. I don't know how else to describe it. Whatever they were, the conditions in my brain & my soul were just right for them to grab ahold of me, wring me out & leave me wide awake & magical. I loved it. Stop whatever it is that you're doing & go see it. Now. I'll even go with you. Let's go dance.

The truth is a bully we all pretend to like.

"& the choices that you make, between hating & forgiving, can become the story of your life."

pg. 3. Shantaram -Gregory David Roberts

(reading it right now & completely obsessed)

The one thing we always, always carry with us; in in our suitcases across the country, in our favorite handbags & briefcases to work day after day, our dance bags, gym bags, clutches, reusable shopping bags & even in our back pockets in our worst, most vulnerable, selfish moments, is our freedom. The freedom to love, hate, forgive, forget, let go, to leave, stay, fix, or break. At our richest, poorest, happiest, saddest, most furious times in our lives. Free will is one of the few things that connects each & every person on this planet; it's what we choose to do with it that separates us.

It's the reason we, despite our best efforts, have little to no control over our surroundings encompassing others. There is absolutely no way to control another creature of free will. We're all at the mercy of the entire universe, full of millions of billions of currents of free will, each one with it's own set of intents, hopes, fears, dreams, wants, ect. As much as I use mine to love, someone else is free to hate. Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. (Shari R. Barr) I couldn't possibly imagine something more true. Expect nothing from the universe & be grateful for the good you find in the world every day. Fact: Life is unpredictable. What can you do? You can wear your self pity like a shroud & close yourself off to the world, or you can be free to wake up tomorrow with fresh eyes, a fresh mind & a fresh heart, even when you have to fight for it. Be free to forgive & to love because you do have a choice, & it does become your life story.

"As human beings, we are endowed with freedom of choice, and we cannot shuffle off our responsibility upon the shoulders of God or nature. We must shoulder it ourselves. It is our responsibility."

-Arnold Toynbee

Inspired.

Two of my very, very favorite dancers working together. Magic.

I don't need anyone to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves.

"Acknowledgement is a no-kidding, unvarnished, bottom-line, truthful confrontation with yourself about what you are doing or not doing, or what you are putting up with in your life that is destructive. It's not some pious, phoney-baloney, half-hearted rendition of what you think they want to hear. Nor is it a watered-down, politically correct 'confession' that you think will buy you closure at the expense of truth. I mean brutal reality: slapping yourself in the face and admitting what you are doing to screw up your life. This also means admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you're doing, however sick or subtle those payoffs are."

-- Philip C. McGraw (from "Life Strategies")

What have you been feeding your soul lately?

& it's all true too.

"If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my hair. I’ll stash little notes for you where you least expect them. I don’t have many firsts left.. but I’d like someone who I could offer all of my lasts. We’ll make history together. I’ll wait for you even if you’re late – and I won’t complain about it. Kindness to cashiers, valets, waiters and maddeningly slow postal clerks who would try the patience of Gandhi is a must. I will feel safe and most at peace in your arms. When you’re counting aloud, I will try and mess you up. I find you magically delicious. I will let you be right when it doesn’t really matter. I’ll giggle when you show off and I know it’s just for me. I’ll hold your coffee while you drive. I can build a fire without burning the house down. If you wash the car with me – I promise to wear a white t-shirt for you. I‘ll hide around corners and try to scare you in the middle of the night.. of course, I’ll end up scaring myself and you’ll have to calm me down. I can change a flat tire and my own oil. It’s the simple things you do that make me swoon the most. I love it when you sing to me. I’ll make you mickey mouse pancakes. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we’re doing it together. I’ll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching tv. I won’t swear around your family or make you wear silly sweaters at my family’s during Christmas. I’ll grant you three wishes. I’ll make you laugh. I’ll stare in wonder with you at that hot chick with the great rack. I will marvel at your strength. I’ll take care of you when you’re sick. I give a kick ass massage. I think it’s hot when you come home all dirty from playing or working hard. My heart will skip every time you walk through the door. My kisses will take your breath away – seriously. I’ll giggle if you leave your socks on in bed. My quirks and oddities have been deemed ‘adorable’ and I will love you more everyday for all of yours. I’ll hold you when you need it. I will give you space when you need it. I will let you be you. You’ll sleep better when I’m next to you. I’ll thank you every time you open a door for me. I’ll never give you shit in front of your friends. I won’t ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch and a passionate kiss. We can watch your movie first. I’ll clean the house perfectly every time your mom comes by. I like horror movies only when you’re with me and only as long as you hold me close. I don’t litter. I love when you pull me down to sit on your lap. I love it when you lay your head on my chest in bed. I can be ready (shower and all) in half an hour. I’ll look cute as hell in your shirt in the morning. I can balance a checkbook. I can never turn down a challenge. I’ll fit perfectly in your arms. I’ll understand if you get jealous – and do my best to show you that you have no reason. Hand-written love notes will get you laid every time. I can totally keep a secret. I’m pretty damn funny and will do anything to make you laugh. You will always look hot to me in the morning. I think it’s cute when you eat off my plate. When you’re sleeping, I’ll try to stay quiet. I’ll call when I say I will. Treat me like a woman and I’ll treat you like a man. To clarify: I’m not looking for a fix-up project, or anything of that sort. I’m looking for a man who quite simply adds something extraordinary and special to my life. And I to him. A fair exchange, an amazing mind, body and soul connection and a place to build something magnificent."

(I wish I could say I wrote that, but I didn't. I have no idea who wrote it. I love it anyways. I stole it from my evil twin. Thanks SJ. Lots of giant things coming soon. Stay tuned...)

The sun never says...

Even after all this time,

The sun never says to the earth,

"you owe me."

Look what happens with a love like that,

It lights the Whole Sky.

(Hafiz)

Imagine that. Love without expectation.

The sun gives to the earth without ever asking anything in return.

Can you imagine if we all spent a little more time loving more & expecting less?

ex·pec·ta·tion

   [ek-spek-tey-shuhn] Show IPA

–noun

1.

the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2.

the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3.

an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4.

something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5.

Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

6.

the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.

7.

Statistics. mathematical expectation.

8.

the state of being expected: a large sum of money in expectation.

I have expectations of myself as a person, a dancer, a yogi, an athlete, a Rockette, a friend, a sister, a young trendy girl living in NYC... I have expectations of my family, my friends, Starbucks baristas, yoga instructors, ballet instructors, taxi cab drivers...the list goes on. How reasonable are they & how many of them could I let go? Where did they even come from? Walking into any experience with too many expectations inhibits the ability to fully appreciate it. The world is a beautiful place, let it be. It's healthy to be optimistic, to push yourself...but experience has taught me that holding onto unreasonable expectations generally leads to dissapointment. We're all crazy perfectionists in a demanding world. It's time to shake off all those expectations & live each day with fresh eyes & a fresh mind. Spring cleaning!!! Let each moment come to you without expectation, & enjoy each experience for exactly what it is. I mean, in it's most simple form, that's what life is all about anyways, right? Once you've made some space by clearing out some of those crazy expectations, you may even have room for a little bit more love & compassion? The world could definitely use it.

(Can you tell I've been taking a lot of yoga again? All my crazy, hippie, peace, love, ballet & yoga talk? I spent 6:00pm until 7:30 upside down in yoga working on using my low, low abdominal muscles to initiate bringing my legs straight up into handstands then again in headstands...I'm going to be sore tomorrow...I love yoga)

quarantined

Sixty seven degrees. Sunshine. Birds. Kids playing outside.

And so far it looks like this is as close as I'm going to get to any of it. (yes that absolutely is my window) Unfortunately it seems that my immune system was not aware of my busy weekend plans & has decided to quit on me. Instead of a BBQ & a night out on the town, I'm thinking it's Dayquil & tea in bed. Hopefully I can kick this before tomorrow because I have an 'Easter Feaster' to attend, & even more importantly I'm going to see one of my very best, most beautiful friends/big sister I never had, perform with a friend's company. So throat: If you wouldn't mind, pleeease return to normal size & quit aching when I swallow, & head please stop being so congested. As nice as spending the entire weekend in bed reading & writing sounds, I'd actually much rather be out & about enjoying spring in NYC.

Please & Thank You.

My little sis being serenaded by one of the band members @ Cafe Wha.

Legendary spot. Amazing night.

My father, lovingly referred to as 'Dad Seger' showing my sis his latest project: The Packard. He's a mechanical genius. He loves cars. & cowboy boots.

Get it down, before it is lost.

"I shambled after as usual as I've been doing all my life after people that interest me, because the only people that interest me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing...but burn, burn, burn like roman candles across the night."

-Jack Kerouac

On the Road

Reinvent. Reinvent. Reinvent.

Give me 3 steps mister & you'll never see me no more

I'm fairly certain walking home from the gym, it wasn't my step propelling me forward, but pushing the world back behind me.

Let's see, it's been 11 days since 9:30pm has found me on this couch. My sister visited, we went to Detroit, I had a mini-vacation in midtown, a lot more social activity than I'm used to. (not that it's a bad thing)

Going back to Detroit was emotionally jarring.

Sometimes you have to take a couple steps backwards to see how far you've come.

Not exactly a walk in the park. More teary eyed & gut wrenching. Dust settled far into the back corners of your mind is stirred up & feelings that had faded into faint memories come rushing over you like the tide. It seems like only yesterday... Driving down the same streets, walking through the same doors, into the same places I had been so many times before started to blur the lines between the girl I am now & the girl I used to be. I am a completely different person than I was two years ago, last summer & even two months ago. However, the solace stemming from that fact didn't come before hindsight. I had to suffer in those places, & in those memories for a minute before I realized they were only ghosts from my past. I don't live in those moments or have need for those feelings anymore.

They're only memories, I associate feelings with times with places so strongly that sometimes walking through a doorway takes me away to another time. (an overactive imagination doesn't help)

So though I had a wonderful time seeing my mother & father, whom I don't think I give enough credit sometimes & my sister who is my best friend & my most valuable confidant, my visit didn't happen without wounds being opened & salted. But it was only me who was doing the opening & salting. Maybe I'm terrible at letting go. Maybe my willingness to forgive & forget is completely exterior. Maybe I've just been through a lot of rough times & the letting go process takes longer for me. Maybe I'm stubborn. All of the above are very possible. Someone very dear to my heart has been continually suggesting, well, imploring that I do a little bit of spring cleaning...clear the old cobwebs from those dark corners of my mind to make space for something new & brighter & better. I need old resentment like I need 10lb. weights in my LaDucas.

Believe me when I say, I'm trying. Unfortunately they don't make a "Letting Go & Moving

On for Dummies," I checked...

It's a process & a moment to moment conscious decision. My favorite thing to say is, "it's only a part of your life as long as you allow it to be." (I leave out how difficult it is sometimes) Maybe, just maybe, I'm a tiny bit hypocritical sometimes. I don't mean to be, I promise, I'm just better at giving advice than I am at actually applying it all to myself.

The realization that I am not the same girl I was the last time I looked at myself in that bathroom mirror, in that house, is nothing less than inspiring. They say the only constant is change, so I suppose if I'm not changing, I'm not living. And it all seems to be for the better, so despite the fact that I rarely have any idea what I'm doing, I seem to be doing alright.

Happy Thursday everyone!

(ps- since I'm getting all blog savvy, I figured out how to connect my page with my virtual bookshelf...see it's over there, on the left, down a little bit? I don't know if you know this but I'm a gigantic bookworm & I love my books the way people love their plants & hermit crabs & babies so if you're ever curious what I'm reading & what authors I love the most...check it out! Right now it's everything & anything Tao Lin)

(pps that 'Dear Jack Kerouac' business up at the top of this entry was respectfully stolen from one of my new obsessions: Letters to Dead People. Take a peek. You'll love it. I promise.)

http://letterstodeadpeople.tumblr.com/