If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

I've had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

This picture is helping:

Today has officially fortified the simple fact that my best friends are dance classes, yoga, food, my books, my knitting, my uke & my dogs.

(Okay, & a very select few human beings)

The past few weeks have been rough. Today was just the icing on the cupcakes I just spent my whole Friday night making. Now I have a kitchen full of cupcakes & a brain full of madness. Two things I don't need...I think my roommate is getting a little frustrated with my inner turmoil showing on her waistline. But to be honest, once I'm finished with the cupcakes I just assume toss them out the window one by one. I don't really want them. I just want to make them. Maybe I will start taking them to a soup kitchen. Anyone want free cupcakes? Maybe I can buy the kitten in that photo with cupcakes...I think I will call him him either Baby Hellcat or Mr. Mojo Risin' (Mr. Mojo for short) I miss my dogs. My sister gets here tomorrow, I can't wait to see her. These next couple weeks are going to be better. Just keep swimming I guess.

Nowhere To Go but Through

I've been doing a lot of over-analyzing lately. A lot of list making, spring cleaning, resolving, revamping, rethinking, 'self-therapizing.' And way too much opening my eyes wishing the sunrise would catch up with my brain. My off-switch is apparently jammed & all this darkness & down time is boring. Five hours of nothing but staring at the ceiling & listening to the cities' after hour hustle is a long night...so instead, I'm not even going to pretend I'm sleeping. I'm going to eat Hot & Spicy Cheez-its & tell you about my hair appointment.

I got my hair done two days ago, braved the NYC monsoon to travel all the way from way uptown to way downtown to Williamsburg, Brooklyn to go to my most favorite hair salon (Hello Beautiful. Check it out) & my most favorite hair stylist. (Rebecca. Mega hot. Master of her craft) I was so stressed about this hair appointment...I liked being a redhead because I felt it set me apart a little, but my sister & my roommate had red hair, but I kinda wanted to try something new, but I was worried it wouldn't look as good as the red, & what if it came out too boring or what if it was too normal, & what if this person didn't like it, what if, what if, what if what if....I turned a hair appointment into a crisis before I even got there, got it done & had a chance not to like it. If the Olympics ever make a sport out of anxiety, let me know...that gold medal will be mine. The devil's in the details & so is his advocate. It's too easy to get wound up over the little things & forget that regardless if my hair is red, blond or purple I'm still the same person. If I have new Jeffrey Campbell boots, the highest paying dance job ever, if I can hold a headstand in yoga for 7 hours straight....still the same girl.

Bukowski was right, " what matters most is how you walk through the fire." That's what defines you. How you handle yourself in those most extreme moments of your life. Having the ability to thrive & appreciate those beautiful moments in your life & the ability to hold your head high, dignity intact, at the worst. It's going to happen, that moment when you couldn't possibly imagine life being anymore unfair...then life takes you up on that challenge & gets just that much more unfair? You've been making lemonade so long you don't have any more room in your fridge & then life delivers you another truckload of lemons? That moment. When you squeeze your eyes shut, take a deep deep breath, nod your head & think to yourself, 'here we go'...Shed the self-doubt, malicious thoughts, desire to just give up & take the easy way out the way a snake sheds it's skin & start walking through the fire...Because those are the moments that define who you are, more than the clothes you wear, the bands you listen to.....& the color of your hair. I'm not much for believing life is necessarily fair, but my faith in karma remains intact...I may never grasp the system those giant golden scales operate on, however I refuse to be discouraged & give up.

Time will run out eventually, & I would much rather spend mine trying to get out of the fire, at least it beats the hell out of wallowing in it....

"The phoenix hope, can wing her way through the desert skies, & still defying fortunes' spite; revive from ashes & rise."

-Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Happy Tuesday!

ps- If you dig poetry, you should read this. It's magically delicious :

http://railroadpoetry.blogspot.com/

Whenever it starts, it's the right time & when it's over, it's over.

'...love was not an extension of public life but it's antithesis. It meant a longing to put himself at the mercy of his partner. He who gives himself up like a prisoner of war must give up his weapons as well. And deprived in advance of defense against a possible blow, he cannot help wondering when the blow will fall. That is why I can say that for Franz, love meant the constant expectation of a blow.'

-Milan Kundera

'The Unbearable Lightness of Being'

pg. 87

Inventory Managment

Life is a never-ending learning process. There is no date where you walk across a stage & someone gives you a piece of paper signifying that you've learnt all you need to know. I've been in NYC for an entire month & I'm learning. I'm learning about my new home & I'm learning about the new me. A few "so-fars" for the record...

*I live uptown & the Free People store is downtown. (16th & 5th to be exact)

*I really love to cook & I'm a master cupcake baker, but my favorite foods seem to be avocado & orange flavored coffee.

*I was given a ukulele as a gift, I can not put it down. I play it about 20 hours a day & I'm determined to be a master by the time it's warm enough for me to climb from my bedroom window to the fire escape so I can sit & play it there.

*All the Lactaid in the world can not help me when I O.D. on dairy products...I really should just cut dairy out of my diet once & for all.

*Kashkaval is my most favorite place to eat & have a glass of wine in the entire city.

*I base a large portion of my self worth on my Scrabble abilities.

*I'm still in love with Bob Dylan...I have been my entire life. (I found a rare 20 LP set of his life work @ Bleecker Street Records for $899.99...dang. Wish I had an extra thousand dollars...)

*I've never ever seen a single episode of Friends, I have however seen almost every episode of every television show on Food Network. (late night programming)

*There is supposedly a musician named Jack Johnson. I have never heard of him, Keltie seemed to find that strange...My top five most listened to musical artists (this week) are: Bob Dylan, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, The Stones, & Lynyrd Skynyrd....& Jefferson Starship...I know. That was six, but it's my list.

*I really want these: http://www.solestruck.com/jeffrey-campbell-meds-black-distressed/index.html or these: http://www.jeffreycampbellshoes.com/blog/news-events/brit-boot-available-at-www-shoemarketnyc-com/

Jeffrey Campbell shoes are dreamy.

* I think I'm probably way to clumsy to do anti-gravity yoga, but it's the most fun 90 minutes of my life every day...That stuff is no joke.

*I have big plans for a new tattoo...I can't wait to get started. I love tattoos...it's a good thing I'm a dancer or I would be covered in them.

*I have a serious phobia when it comes to fake purple food. Grape Soda, Grape gum...Forget it. It makes me barf.

*I hate talking on the phone, I do like texting. Too much maybe.

I'm 100% optimistic about my life right now. Moving to the city with absolutely no plans & expectations was really scary. Especially for an over-analytical Capricorn like myself. I'm here & happy & still trying to dig myself a little place in this big crazy city, but I'm really not worried about failing. Things are starting to fit together quite nicely & it's almost time to start adventuring more, now that I'm actually starting to settle in. I don't really have a point to this blog entry, just things I've noticed in the past week...I have an unusually large amount of "quirks."

I got really upset the other night, a friend said to me, "you & I...we're weirdos" in the context of our conversation. Now there are two kinds of weirdos: 1. Weirdos by choice: the kind of people who really fear conformity, the norm. They go out of their way to prove to themselves & others that they are different. To each his own. 2. Weirdos by nature: People who didn't have a choice, or a chance to be normal. I guess the main difference between my subcategories of weirdness is that the first group did it to themselves. If you hadn't guessed I'm weird by nature, I was doomed from the start....Anyways, I got really upset. It kind of goes against everything I've written about & strived for in the past year of my life, but, I wondered if things would maybe be a little easier if I was more like most people...here's the thing: it doesn't matter. That "if" is irrelevant, because I'm not. I can dye my hair, pretend & lie until I look & sound just like your average chick, but that seems like a lot of work...& I don't think "your average chick" would wear anything in my wardrobe, so I guess it would be expensive too. What I'm trying to say is I am what I am regardless of how I try and disguise it. Embracing it is really my only option & I do, but moments of weakness are bound to happen. Being a novelty to people can get a little defeating. Normal is in the eye of the beholder I guess...because if you ask me, girls who wear pink velour & love Brad Pitt are weird....

(I must be weird...or at least crazy...tomorrow morning: five mile run, 9:00am Core Conditioning, 9:30am Total Body Conditioning, 1:30pm Ballet, 7:00 Anti-Gravity Yoga...wish me luck)

People are strange when your a stranger.

Sometimes I like to make up stories in my mind about the people on the subway trains. I wonder which of them are making up stories about me.

I bake my cake & eat it too.

Here's what I think...

We're all working towards making the world around us as close as we possibly can to the "perfect" world we've dreamed up in our minds. That Center Stage meets 500 Days of Summer (ahem...Keltie :) meets Aerosmith video meets Kay Jewelry Commercial. Each one of them as beautiful & unique as the person who created it...What's yours? Mine is equal parts Anthropologie catalog, Breakfast at Tiffanys, & Rock & Roll chic, add a heavy dash of Carrie Bradshaw, mix well & top with a hippie bohemian gypsy flair....That's my perfect world...subject to change at any moment. Essentially I don't see anything wrong with that concept. We pull inspiration from everything around us in order to create ourselves & our universe how we each see fit, piece by piece. It means we're paying attention. There's no cure for dreamer's disease, I consider this making the best of the situation...

The difficult end of that being the realization that the world we live in will never be that perfectly scripted, painstakingly thought-out & over-thought day dream that sends you to sleep every night. My hair will never look as perfectly tousled as Carrie Bradshaw's in the mornings, I will never quite have the flair, or the Givenchy dresses, of Holly Golightly, & "he" will never actually be Jim Morrison...or Bob Dylan...The key is to look past that, see the beauty in your own situation. Your favorite scenes in movies are played out, don't preconceive every moment from now until forever or you're going to miss everything. So he stuttered a little & didn't deliver Shakespearean worthy poetry...So you couldn't afford Manolo Blahniks & wore your go-to Target pumps....There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You're as cool & quirky as the people you wish you were more like. The hard part is embracing that & giving yourself permission to just be. I get lost 35% of the time I walk out my front door, my hair is a trainwreck when I get out of bed in the mornings, I for some reason refuse to leave the house without at least 4 necklaces, 6 bracelets & two rings on, I can't walk around my room without banging one of my shins on the corner of my bed, I have the worst memory ever, & I'm incredibly awkward in social settings...not exactly Holly Golightly...but then again I doubt she'd rock a pair of black knee high motorcycle boots the way I do. If you don't remind yourself of these things the only end result will be an incredible amount of un-necessary pressure you place on yourself to live up to some crazy idea...constant disappointment....I think it's wonderful to aspire to be like people you admire but remember the differences you have make you unique and

beautiful. There is already one Kate Moss in the world, we don't need another. Be yourself, everyone else is taken. There's no need to be upset every day of your life because you're feet just aren't as beautiful as Sylvie Guillem's....most peoples' aren't, yours will never be, but point them as hard as you can & be proud anyways. No one has any right to expect you to be perfect, unless they themselves are perfect & I'll tell you right now...they aren't. There are things you can't change, let them be. There are things that you admire, take from them what you can & put your own unique twist on them. Open your eyes to the world around you, let life unfold & enjoy it. After all, what else can you do? C'est la vie.

(sometimes I have to give even myself advice in the form of a blog. Today was blustery & rainy. Dinner with Keltie was like a hot cup of Refresh tea for my brain.)

I am getting up at 5:30am to be at the gym by 6....And that's that.

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. "

-Jim Morrison

carte blanche

Day 1. New home. New York. New girl.

hi.