If people were rain, I was drizzle, she was hurricane.

I'm with Kelt on this one. Sometimes we both sit beside one another, separated by 15 feet & a wall, in our respective bedrooms, doors open, the smell of our candles & music pouring out of each one. We're both so tired we communicate through the wall by reading each others' blog & text messaging. Not every night of course, for example, Dancing With the Stars nights find us on the couch knitting together & discussing how frightening Donnie Osmond is, especially when he talks in third person...

Today was a rocky day. I went to the dark place a couple times mentally, but didn't allow myself to work any less than 100%. It's a bad sign when my legs feel this heavy and it's only Wednesday of week three. (We leave a week from today for Hershey, PA to start tech! Bye dirty Myrtle Turtle & Plantation Station!! Hello 11 hour tech days) Our directors keep telling us what a wonderful job we're doing & we keep praying for them to let up on us a little. It's not necessarily their job to be easy on us, but it's the compassionate thing to do. It's going to be a long, rough tour if we're already exhausted. We still have almost a month before we open!!!! Although I must admit it is rather exciting to be putting scenes together with the entire cast now. We have an incredibly talented ensemble of singers & dancers, who make rehearsal so much more agreeable by cheering us on while we're dancing. We, of course, do the same for them. We have so much fun together, I am a firm believer that casts who get along as well as ours does perform better. It also makes tour 200 times more enjoyable, considering we spend about 20 hours a day together! Monday I got to do an interview for Women's LifeStyle Magazine over my lunch break, it went really well! Tomorrow we're going to have news crews filming rehearsal all morning, I've had to turn the charm on all week.

The past couple days have left me a little frustrated. I have been feeling kind of like the harder I try to implement a more positive outlook, & be more accepting, & all of those things I've been talking about, the more I've sort of been feeling like things are falling apart, or like I'm losing control. A little defeated maybe? I try to dance harder, I make stupid mistakes. I spend more time focusing on treating my body properly, & my spine seems to get more screwed up & painful. I try to fix & rebuild relationships with people in my life, & I feel more neglected, or confused, or unhappy. Every dog has his day I guess...

I need to start being realistic about which of these things I even have control over. I was on a yoga retreat in August, & part of an exercise we did, involved all of us in a single file line, holding onto a rope. At one point, the woman who placed us in the order we were standing in, explained that she put us in certain places for specific reasons; the people towards the front were people who tried to control everything in their life. There I was, right in front. At first I thought to myself, she clearly doesn't know me...I'm nobodies control freak. Wait...am I? Ah ha moment. I am nearly incapable of just letting things happen around me. I can be so uptight that I can't even trust the universe to work in it's mysterious way. Instead I self inflict this giant burden of trying to control every aspect of every tiny thing in my life because I'm terrified the outcome won't be what I want if I don't. I have had such a white knuckle grip on so many things that it's difficult to let go, no wonder I feel like I'm getting carpal tunnel. How can I enjoy life's little suprises when I refuse to let them happen? It's impossible to manufacture life to be exactly how I want it to be. I can sit and pound away all day at that square peg but it's not going to fit into the triangle shaped hole, no matter how much I want it to.

It's about time to kick back & let the universe take some of that burden for me. What's meant to be will be. I've got enough things actually in my control to worry about. I can get so worked up about one aspect of my life that I completely neglect everything else, more often than not it's something negative that I've blown up to an epic proportion. Maybe if I stop trying to take responsibility for all the things I have no control over, I will have more time to enjoy the things I do. That almost sounds like a mental vacation. These are all such seemingly simple concepts, now why do they come so difficult to me? I feel like I have these brilliant epiphanies, that are common knowledge to everyone else. "What's meant to be will be?" Yep, I'm sure millions of people have that cross stitched on a throw pillow on their couch, & I'm acting like I just discovered a new galaxy. Better late than never I guess...:)

Tomorrow is a new day & I look forward to it. Everyone has a bad day, & everyone gets a little overwhelmed...that's life. What matters is how you move on from that point. I'm going to continue on this new little path I'm making, I'm sure there will be many more epiphanies fit for throw pillows in my future.

And the man said, "I'd like to replace your cat." And the lady said, "That's all right with me, but how are you with catching mice?

Reason number 460 I love my job: I am surrounded by artistic, beautiful, talented, strong people. It would be a tragedy if I never took the time to observe & appreciate them. Their talents, quirks, style, personalities...everyone brings something uniquely theirs to the table. That's what makes what we do so special. Like, remember when the planeteers put their rings together to make Captain Planet? Earth...wind...fire...ect. (Wind was always my favorite) It just wouldn't work without all five of them, in the same way our line wouldn't work without each one of us bringing our own unique gift to the table. (Unfortunately the pay off isn't a giant green magical eco-maniac superhero...It's a Christmas Spectacular of epic proportion)

Wait one second...Hallmark is showing some kind of I Love Lucy marathon...Oh my God, & she's in a tutu in a ballet class...Magnificent. Lucille Ball was one of the most charming, gifted women to ever be in show business, God rest her soul.

I'm always looking for inspiration. Under every rock & behind every door. The world is filled to the brim with interesting, wonderful things, all you have to do is look. I find it's something that gets me through those six hours a day I spend in an abandoned mini-mall rehearsing when my elbow is flat & which count my bevel is open...I get tired, my mind starts going to the dark place, & one of the girls catches my eye, living in an eight count of choreography. I take note of it, why the hell am I not dancing like that... The thing about dancers is that we're very competitive in nature. It's how we get work. In rehearsal, competing with each other would be counterproductive. We, in fact, feed off each other in order to progress. It takes a lot of talent to put up a show of this caliber, it takes a lot of people giving 110%. I love to watch the other girls dance, I draw inspiration from the way they move. When I see someone doing something beautifully I try to incorporate it into my show. We drive each other, we push each other, motivate each other, inspire each other. We all use each other as tools to become better.

I am a dancer. I believe that we learn by practice. Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn to live by practicing living.... In each it is the performance of a dedicated precise set of acts, physical or intellectual, from which comes shape of achievement, a sense of one's being, a satisfaction of spirit. One becomes in some area an athlete of God.

~Martha Graham, c.1953

The same can be said for life in general. If you allow yourself to, you'll be amazed every day at the beauty that surrounds you. I try to pull from all of the things I love. Put my own twist on them & incorporate them into my every day life in my own special way. I collect things that make me happy in my closet, my iTunes, my iPhoto, on my bookshelves, in my journal, I weave them together into intricate patterns in my mind that make up the fabric of who I am... Music, friends, art, nature, family, surroundings, the way my beautiful friends dance...The world can be a pretty magical place, it's all a matter of how you look at it. If you choose to, you can see the world in bright bold colors too.

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.

We all need a place so we can go,

And feel over the rainbow.

I made it! A day off couldn't be more in order. I don't think I have a strut kick, bell ring, block accent, big wheel or shine out left in my body. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but sometimes you just need a day to recuperate with a good book, knitting needles, tea, some television, good food & perhaps some freepeople.com. (Retail therapy. Yum. :)

So, my first year as a Rockette. I was just 18 years old, one of 12 new girls in a line of 18 women. I w

as the only new girl who, aside from having to learn a whole brand new show, had to also be a bear in the Nutcracker scene. (In the first act, there is a Nutcracker scene where Clara dances with big teddy bears. I was one of three big panda bears who dance the Chinese dance.) The way the bear costumes work, you put on a gigantic bear head, it secures with a chin strap, & you see out the nose of the bear, which is made from foam. But you can hardly see anything.

There are three colored lights at the edge of the stage, & asides from those three lights, you can't see much else. The feet are gigantic furry bear feet, maybe 2 or 3 times bigger than your own, with jazz sneakers inside them, that you put on & Velcro the bear feet closed over the jazz sneakers. At this point in time we were in tech rehearsals on stage at the Fox Theater in Detroit & there were tons of cameras everywhere because Fox was filming us for a documentary on the Radio City Christmas Spectacular in Detroit.

This was my very first time in my bear head & feet, on the stage with the big set pieces & the lighting. The stage is set so that we look very small, we're dancing under a gigantic Christmas Tree, surrounded by big, beautiful gifts. I was incredibly nervous because of how little I could actually see from within the giant panda head. (I mean these pandas must have been sumo wrestlers in their off season...) So, we scurry on to the stage from between two of the enormous gift box set pieces, & do our cute little panda dance. All I have left to do in order to successfully complete Operation: Panda is to scurry back upstage between two different gift boxes & off of the stage. Simple enough...right?

CRASH! (not simple for me) I turned upstage & ran directly into a set piece so hard that I bounced off it & landed on my back. & if that wasn't bad enough, I had ran into the set so hard that I had knocked my chinstrap lose so that the bear head had turned 90 degrees & was now looking over my right shoulder, leaving me completely blind, wriggling around trying to get upright like a turtle on it's back...Good one Shu. Keep in mind, Nutcracker is continuing around me, I'm in complete darkness, & all I can hear is Dance of the Mirlitons. (reed-flutes) So after what seems like an eternity, I manage to make it to my feet. I'm sure at this point, there's a small army of confused bears in tutus & pointe shoes trying to dance the Waltz of the Flowers while avoiding the disoriented, skinny little girl with the sumo panda head.

If I had any brains at 18, I would have simply turned the head, or better yet, removed it completely and exited stage left as fast as possible. Unfortunately, I did not do that. Instead I chose to leave the big bear head on, cockeyed, so I was still blind, & attempted to scale the large set piece obstructing my get away, like a mime. Until I found the edge, pulled myself around it, falling for a second time as soon as I got off stage. Only then did Dennis, our director, stop the scene to come over the microphone, gasping for breath in a fit of laughter, to ask if I was okay. Fortunately, that little incident didn't make it into the documentary.

It wasn't necessarily funny at the time (to me at least) but now it's one of my favorite stories to tell. I was 99% sure I was fired. Dennis was 99% sure that was the funniest thing he may have ever seen, but nope, here I am, seven years later. Still making ridiculous mistakes every so often. What can you do? I think as long as I don't keep making the same mistake, I'm doing pretty good. You fall down. You get up. The tough part is just letting go & moving on. (on & off stage) Your never going to give a perfect performance, there will always be something to improve on. Take note of your mistakes, don't dwell on them, & keep moving. Don't let those devastating "I wish the floor would swallow me whole right now" mistakes get the best of you, chances are, they'll make great stories later on. (& maybe prove useful to someone else. That story always makes an overwhelmed, frustrated new Rockette laugh. It also still makes some of the girls who've heard it over & over laugh. :) I don't mind people having a laugh at my expense, I do silly stuff all the time.) Being wrong & strong is better than not being anything at all.

& as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

I am not a perfect girl. I am human. I make mistakes. Lots of mistakes. I don't always say the right thing. I get defensive quickly & have a horrible memory. I constantly contradict myself. I'm selfish, impatient & a little insecure. At times I can be dramatic, wild, & impulsive. Butterflies, losing my teeth & being taken advantage of scare the crap out of me.

"I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people."

John Lennon

I have friends who love me unconditionally. I am beautiful, wild, adventurous, strong, scared & a little untrusting. Sometimes too trusting, free, opinionated, ugly, sad, happy, & everything in between...I laugh at what I find funny, & I cry when I feel sad. I have skin & bones, muscles, a brain & an imagination that spans infinite galaxies. I'm artistic & at times a bit ridiculous. I believe in magic & I work for Santa Claus. I have intense emotion. I'm doing my best. I am like no one you will ever meet because I am me.

So if life was exactly like a choose your own adventure book (remember those? "If you decide to start back home, turn to page 14.

If you decide to wait, turn to page 22.") I may have cheated and gone back for the other option a couple times. Unfortunately, that's just not the way the universe works. Life is a series of choices of varying degrees of importance & there is no going back and choosing the other page. You make your decisions & you & the world around you change accordingly. Instead of looking for the rewind button, all anyone can do is make the best of the world they've created for themselves, like it or not. Make better mistakes tomorrow.

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning middle & end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, & making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..."

-Gilda Radner

Between rehearsal & my personal life, this week has at least a month of living crammed into the past five days. Like I mentioned, there were a few times I wanted to go back for that other page & see what may have happened had I chosen it. Would I be better off? Or would that have been the catalyst for something even worse? Who knows? The silly thing is that no amount of worrying or wondering will allow me to know. Not worrying or wondering is easier said than done. I've been thinking a lot in this manner, because perhaps it's time for a change of perspective. I've allowed myself to think in a way that isn't entirely healthy or conducive to a really fulfilling, happy life. I'm putting my foot down. Worry less. Smile more. Accept criticism. Take responsibility. Listen, love & don't hate. Embrace change. Feel good anyway. Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it's looking beyond the imperfections. In one of my favorite Ani Difranco songs she says, "There's a crowd of people harbored in every person, there are so many roles that we play," It's really true right? (Ani is a genius) For example, I play a great victim, I throw a mean pity party. I'm sure if I met myself in that context I wouldn't like myself that much, so I'm working on not being that girl anymore. If I stopped being her all together, think about how much more time & energy I would have to put towards being the mover & shaker I am?! This has been an ongoing project of mine, I'm trying to simplify my life...I'm still a work in progress. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps...(What About Bob...anybody? One of my favorite movies!!!)

Anyways, rehearsals have been tough. Physically exhausting. It's our J.O.B. as our director, Julie likes to remind us, & we love it. She's hard on us because we have so much potential to be an extraordinary line. We all know that but still sometimes it's difficult not to go to the dark place & be cranky because we have to go back and run a number all the way through again. I personally get a tiny bit impatient during the cleaning process, I'm working on it. I dance for the Radio City Rockettes. The Radio City Rockettes are the #1 precision dance line in the entire world. The devil is in the details & you can bet your space boots that we are given & drilled every teeny tiny detail down to where our elbow is on count 4 & how it's different than count 5. So I better throw that poor outlook on cleaning right out the window, it won't get me anywhere. In fact it will just make the day longer. What right do I have to do anything other than devour every blessed moment that I am getting paid to do exactly what I've dreamed of doing since I was a little girl? I don't deserve to if I'm going to take it for granted. I have a beautiful, brilliant, insightful, irreplaceable friend who has everything it takes to land her dream job, but she's still searching for that door...how can I complain? She deserves it just as much as I do. So do you.

"This is what you shall do: love the earth & sun & the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid & crazy, devote your income & labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience & indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons & with the young & with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, & your very flesh shall be a great poem & have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips & face & between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body..." -Walt Whitman

Go now & live.

C'est la vie

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

I've got the mean reds. My iPhone took a swan dive into the toilet while I was blowing my hair dry. There is a 0.01% chance that it will work once it's had a chance to dry properly but I doubt it. Today just was not my day.

The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect pause between the opposing miseries of summer and winter.

In this Autumn of the year there be image Pictorial earthtone's.....the artist's nirvana Flecks of shades....bleed into each spray Summer's closure.....sets on the causway In this Autumn of the year there be breeze Whisps feathering past......your ear lobes In contrast to the gusts.....of Winter's sting Autumn hails its thrust upon colored wings In this Autumn of the year, there be rainfall A subtle, chilling mist........that feeds th'soil Preparing, for the fast confronting harvest Showerings fall like angel-hair........tingling In this Autumn of the year..... there be spice A vast potpouri.....of kaleidoscopic majesty Herbs 'n hickory smoke, from chimney tops Country fairs and downtown sidewalk stops In this Autumn of the year there be romance Love that flowers 'n bonds with Soul n' Spirit Spirits of October and Souls of Hallows Eve A cornucopia of gift.....that's what autumn be Frank James Ryan, Jr. Maybe I was a little distracted in rehearsal today. Oversized cardigans. Knit slipper socks. Fireplaces. Hot tea. Flannel sheets. Change. Big scarves & boots. Cidermills. Halloween. Sweet potatoes. Using the chill in the air as an excuse to stay cuddled close together. Apple picking. Scary movies. Pumpkin spice soy lattes. Long walks. Candy apples. For a few months the entire world's been washed in the most brilliant palette of my most favorite colors & everything seems to reflect the constant state of change life brings. Despite the melancholy feeling in the pit of my stomach, an annual symptom of my favorite season, my mind refuses to conceive anything but the most delicious of early mornings, afternoons & all night marathons filled with my favorite movies, autumn activities, people & treats. Sleeping late & breakfast in bed under flannel sheets & down comforters. Carving pumpkins with my favorite people after a day long excursion to the cidermill. All night Halloween movie marathons with popcorn & Halloween candy. Need I say more? Each daydream tucked away in the back of my mind; in the form of snapshots resembling a spread from an Anthropologie catalogue... Everything about autumn is so romantic. ro⋅man⋅tic  [roh-man-tik] –adjective 1. of, pertaining to, or of the nature of romance; characteristic or suggestive of the world of romance: a romantic adventure. 2. fanciful; impractical; unrealistic: romantic ideas. 3. imbued with or dominated by idealism, a desire for adventure, chivalry, etc. 4. characterized by a preoccupation with love or by the idealizing of love or one's beloved. 5. displaying or expressing love or strong affection. 6. ardent; passionate; fervent. 7. (usually initial capital letter) of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a style of literature and art that subordinates form to content, encourages freedom of treatment, emphasizes imagination, emotion, and introspection, and often celebrates nature, the ordinary person, and freedom of the spirit (contrasted with classical ). 9. imaginary, fictitious, or fabulous. Today is the first day of the second retreat required to complete Life/Teacher Training from one of my favorite places on earth, the Yoga Shelter. (www.yogashelter.com) I attended the first one in late August & it was a life changing experience. I learned so much & made friends with a handful of inspiring, brilliant, incredible people. Although I'm very thankful that I'm here doing what I love, I wish so much that I could be there to continue the journey that we began back in August, with them. To my beautiful YS peeps: I love you all very, very much, I wish that you all get the most you can out of these next few days. I will be there in spirit, thinking about all of you & just might have to rock sparkly green eyeshadow in your honor!! Namaste. "Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality."Dyer, Wayne