Passport in hand & tricks up my sleeve.

Suzy Creamcheese, honey, what's got into ya?

2011-03-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

So after much urging from some dear friends, I’ve finally decided to focus my little blog on my culinary adventures. Cooking & baking are two of my favorite things to do & lately I’ve found myself spending more & more time in the kitchen. I have loads to share. (Never fear, those of you who’ve followed my random rants for a while now…given the unfocused nature of my thought process, sneaking little tidbits of non-food related nonsense in here & there is inevitable)

First things first, I am a vegetarian…I know, I know, since the days of Woodstock the word vegetarian conjures up an ugly image of a dirty, granola munching hippie. So maybe I listen to Crosby, Stills & Nash on my record player & maybe I practice yoga, but I’m also obsessed with my iPhone4, am a beauty product hoarder & hate the smell of patchouli. How does that fit into your hippie equation?

So, before you carnivores stop reading right now, let me be perfectly clear: Nowhere in this blog will I ever tell you that you should stop eating meat. I won’t even hint at it. I don’t like meat, my body doesn’t digest it well, end of story. That doesn’t make me right, or anyone else wrong. In fact, if it strikes you to reproduce a recipe from my blog & cover it in bacon, by all means, have at it & re-post it right here! Part of this whole experiment is trying new things!!! That being said, for those of you considering giving the veggie thing a try, but really don't want to give up the substance & texture of meat: I don’t use them often, but there are some pretty hearty & convincing meat substitutes out there now a days. In the past I’ve gone so far as to conduct experiments with them, by cooking them into various recipes & feeding them to my father, yielding very positive feedback. Encouraging, considering the only green, organic substance he’s let near him in the past ten years is….well, let’s just say you won’t find it in any of the recipes on this blog.

I am not a profession chef, nor have I been to culinary school; I’m a 27 year old dancer living in New York City, with a kitchen the size of a respectable walk in closet & a fearless, somewhat unconventional approach to cooking. I don’t make fancy French food that I can’t pronounce. I don’t use ingredients that can only be found in crazy expensive specialty stores & I don’t cook “diet food.” Vegetarianism is not a diet; it’s a lifestyle choice. This is a one girl crusade to show people that food sans meat can still be creative, flavorful & satisfying, so if you’re looking for tomato slices on a lettuce leaf…maybe you want to check out that hippie thing.

What I am going to do is share the good, the bad & the ugly of stretching beyond grilled American cheese sandwiches & canned pasta sauce. Recipes I love, my own creations, & the inevitable crash & burns. I’m going to do my best to change minds about how little of an extra effort it takes to cook healthier food. Healthier in the sense of putting down the preservative filled frozen food & attempting to make a home cooked meal full of fresh produce. (& Perhaps a dessert or two) Given the right mindset, it’s actually pretty fun. I whole-heartedly welcome questions, comments & corrections; this is all a big learning process, so chat away. All of that being said, I hope you’re inspired. Let the games begin!

Okay, time to get my butt moving. I am baking red velvet cupcakes to bring to a friend’s birthday party this weekend. (I love an excuse to use my KitchenAid mixer) I’m using a recipe based off a Martha Stewart recipe that I’ve tweaked a teeny bit, because I can never leave well enough alone. A lot of times I think Red Velvet cupcakes fall a little flat, being a lover of the unusual, but this particular recipe really nails it, Martha knows her stuff. Sharing my baked goods with friends is really fun & a little nerve wracking at the same time. Generally my only guinea pig is my poor boyfriend & we’ve developed a pretty good routine when it comes to my less-than perfect attempts. (He tells me the truth, I pout, & then he tells me how good it was until I let it go & admit that he was right.:) But bringing a not so delicious baked good to a gathering of friends? Banish the thought. Lucky for me, said boyfriend’ never has a problem playing guinea pig when it comes to my baked goods. I guess he’ll just have to take one for the team & give me the cold hard truth beforehand….Enjoy the sunshine this weekend!

Come alive!

2011-03-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2011! (It's already March, huh?) Many, many things.

I've been listening to too much of this:

Which has had me spending many hours with this:

& even inspired me to obtain this:

tah dah!

(my old guitar is on her last leg...it was time for a new addition to my family of stringed things)

Mix that with lots of yoga, friend time, reading, dancing & crafting...(contemplating sharing my adventures in crafting with the world...) & there you have it 2011 thus far. Stay tuned.

Happy weekend!

Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

(Howard Thurman)

consider.affirm.trust.conceive.

2010-09-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

Stop fighting the universe.

Does anyone know where I can get a really adorable set of owl matryoshka dolls? I must find some.

Having an immense proud moment...

2010-09-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.

Mother Teresa (1910 - 1998)

Easier said than done Mother Teresa. You've apparently never suffered a gut wrenching, life destroying break-up.

I just spent the day looking back on the high highs & lowest lows of a dear friend through her own words. After turning the final page, (or rather pressing the 'next page' button on my kindle for the last time) I'm in awe of her talent for story-telling, honored to call such an amazing, inspired woman my friend, & even more convinced we were separated at birth. Honest people are on the endangered species list & she's proof there are still good, gracious people on the planet. (good, gracious, talented & hot at that) Her ability to be honest to herself & then share that with the world, is not only incredibly brave, but it is inspiring. Maybe I could stand to be a little more honest & true to myself. Maybe we all could. Her resiliency, determination & love of life are truly something to aspire to & her charmingly awkward, sometimes painful missteps on her path to finding love, dealing with loss & working as a performer in the entertainment industry, relateable. Even having known her personally, this book has given me a whole new respect for her as a performer, as a woman & as a rolemodel. I would love to keep gushing, but you all are going to have to wait & see for yourselves. I can only promise you're going to absolutely love it.

"Dance allowed me to escape from the real life I was so terrible at living. I existed in a dream world of glitter and costumes, of props and pride. I felt happiest alone in my room at night, choreographing entire shows I dreamt of performing for my class. In my dream world, everyone who ever doubted me became a believer."

-Keltie Colleen, Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom

**Kelt I'm so proud of you. I hope you know how much you've grown in the past 18 months. You're a constant reminder to the people in your life that good still does exist in the world.

Touching but Separate

2010-09-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

Most people are on the world, not in it—have no conscious sympathy or relationship to anything about them—undiffused, separate, and rigidly alone like marbles of polished stone, touching but separate.

John Muir

(1838 - 1914)

Get into it!

20 years ago today...

2010-08-24T19:16:00.000-07:00

(Can you believe 1990 was 20 years ago?) Twenty years ago today this world lost one of the most epic blues musicians/guitarists/one of my favorite musicians ever.

Stevie Ray Vaughan

RIP Stevie. When I was six years old I was in love with you & I used to dance around my living room, playing air guitar to your albums. 20 years later I'm still doing the same thing. (the only difference is that I carry nearly your lifes' work everywhere I go in my phone & can be caught dancing to it on street corners, in elevators, on trains, in my kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, the park & pretty much anywhere else) You live on in the hearts & eardrums of ever faithful fans. (& little girls who aren't so little anymore who always dreamed of seeing you play live, impressing you with their sweet dance moves & living happily ever after with you) Thank you for sharing your gifts with us in your time on this planet & thank you for transporting me to a far, far away place every time (even still) that I press play...

‎'I think I've got something special to say with my music. But I have to keep these things in perspective, because they're gifts. It's all a gift, and I have to keep giving it back or it goes away. If I start believing that it's all my doing, it's gonna be my undoing.I'm committing myself to doing the most I can with the gifts I have, so that they do as much good as possible.'

-- Stevie Ray Vaughan

http://cbs11tv.com/video/?id=57012%40ktvt.dayport.com

The Silent Comedy

2010-08-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

So recently I was out on the west coast to tell people about what I do on the east coast & very, very early one sunny morning @ the San Diego Fox 5 News station I made some cool new friends with very fancy facial hair. They have a pretty jazzy sound & the more I listen the more I dig.

Please allow me to present The Silent Comedy.

Check it out.

The Invitation

2010-08-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

(Oriah Mountain Dreamer)

wan-der-lest

2010-08-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

Soul is hot & heavy. Spirit is cool, abstract, detached. Soul is connected to the earth & it's waters. Spirit is connected to the sky & it's gases. Out of the gases springs fire.

Obsessed

2010-06-06T11:48:00.001-07:00

Hi Mumford & Sons, your music is epic. You make banjos look cooler than I have ever seen them look. Where have you been hiding all of this time?

It's so reassuring when every so often I find music from this century that doesn't make me want to barf.

Dear Robert Zimmerman:

2010-05-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

"I consider myself a poet first and a musician second. I live like a poet and I'll die like a poet. "

Today is the 69th birthday of one of the dreamiest men to ever walk the earth. Happy Birthday Bob Dylan. Thank you for being a poet, a preacher, a folk legend, a genius, a religious chameleon, a voice of a generation, a revolutionary, & one of the loves of my life. I wish you many, many more & I'd still kiss you even though you're 69.

Brute Force

2010-05-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today was magical. A dear friend of mine convinced me to put down my book for a couple hours & take in a show with him. After a particularly frustrating day, & in my ongoing attempt to shake at least a little bit of my anti social tendencies, I threw on a dress & heels & headed out the door to meet him in Union Square. (At that point in time, not realizing that he was staying only two blocks from my apartment.) Somehow, while still running my typical ten minutes late, I managed to beat him downtown & took it as an opportunity to sit at the one empty picnic table in the park & enjoy the last few rays of sunshine on a particularly balmy New York afternoon. There were throngs of people coming and going in every direction set to the soundtrack of a saxophone being played somewhere on the other side of the park. I must say, all was right in the world. Eventually an older man joined me, inquiring about my tattoo & then my book, two subjects that delight me to no end. As the time came for me to meet my friend at the theater, in the midst of our goodbyes, he told me that I was radiant.

What struck me about it was that he wasn't complimenting my long eyelashes, or my straight teeth, he was complimenting how my appreciation for life shows in my face, he was complimenting my veracity, my graciousness & my love for the universe. I was really taken aback & really, really flattered. I am really happy with life, I guess it shows in my face, even to strangers. It's a lovely way to be, I highly recommend it.

Anyways, on to Fuerza Bruta, I met my friend at the front of the theater, & as we made our way up the narrow staircase amidst the other patrons, I asked where our seats were, to which he replied, 'oh we're not sitting...this show is standing room only.' (Which would have been fantastic to know before hand, I would have maybe not gone with a 4 inch heel.)

When I say that I spent the next hour of my life watching a show, I mean 'show' only in the bear bones of the definition because I was watching someone else perform. It was more of an experience, I don't really know how else to put it. It was a shockingly brilliant sensory overload. I was wide eyed, standing on my toes, dancing, shouting, terrified, confused, enraptured, smiling, waving, clapping, staring face to face with one of the most beautiful performers I have ever seen through a transparent mylar pool suspended from the ceiling hanging only inches over my head...it was unlike anything I've ever seen. I immediately changed my life plan to performing with this company of amazing, beautiful people. I don't know how else to describe it. Whatever they were, the conditions in my brain & my soul were just right for them to grab ahold of me, wring me out & leave me wide awake & magical. I loved it. Stop whatever it is that you're doing & go see it. Now. I'll even go with you. Let's go dance.

The truth is a bully we all pretend to like.

2010-05-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

"& the choices that you make, between hating & forgiving, can become the story of your life."

pg. 3. Shantaram -Gregory David Roberts

(reading it right now & completely obsessed)

The one thing we always, always carry with us; in in our suitcases across the country, in our favorite handbags & briefcases to work day after day, our dance bags, gym bags, clutches, reusable shopping bags & even in our back pockets in our worst, most vulnerable, selfish moments, is our freedom. The freedom to love, hate, forgive, forget, let go, to leave, stay, fix, or break. At our richest, poorest, happiest, saddest, most furious times in our lives. Free will is one of the few things that connects each & every person on this planet; it's what we choose to do with it that separates us.

It's the reason we, despite our best efforts, have little to no control over our surroundings encompassing others. There is absolutely no way to control another creature of free will. We're all at the mercy of the entire universe, full of millions of billions of currents of free will, each one with it's own set of intents, hopes, fears, dreams, wants, ect. As much as I use mine to love, someone else is free to hate. Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. (Shari R. Barr) I couldn't possibly imagine something more true. Expect nothing from the universe & be grateful for the good you find in the world every day. Fact: Life is unpredictable. What can you do? You can wear your self pity like a shroud & close yourself off to the world, or you can be free to wake up tomorrow with fresh eyes, a fresh mind & a fresh heart, even when you have to fight for it. Be free to forgive & to love because you do have a choice, & it does become your life story.

"As human beings, we are endowed with freedom of choice, and we cannot shuffle off our responsibility upon the shoulders of God or nature. We must shoulder it ourselves. It is our responsibility."
-Arnold Toynbee

Inspired.

2010-05-05T14:41:00.000-07:00

Two of my very, very favorite dancers working together. Magic.

I don't need anyone to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves.

2010-05-03T11:41:00.000-07:00

"Acknowledgement is a no-kidding, unvarnished, bottom-line, truthful confrontation with yourself about what you are doing or not doing, or what you are putting up with in your life that is destructive. It's not some pious, phoney-baloney, half-hearted rendition of what you think they want to hear. Nor is it a watered-down, politically correct 'confession' that you think will buy you closure at the expense of truth. I mean brutal reality: slapping yourself in the face and admitting what you are doing to screw up your life. This also means admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you're doing, however sick or subtle those payoffs are."

-- Philip C. McGraw (from "Life Strategies")

What have you been feeding your soul lately?

& it's all true too.

2010-04-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

"If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my hair. I’ll stash little notes for you where you least expect them. I don’t have many firsts left.. but I’d like someone who I could offer all of my lasts. We’ll make history together. I’ll wait for you even if you’re late – and I won’t complain about it. Kindness to cashiers, valets, waiters and maddeningly slow postal clerks who would try the patience of Gandhi is a must. I will feel safe and most at peace in your arms. When you’re counting aloud, I will try and mess you up. I find you magically delicious. I will let you be right when it doesn’t really matter. I’ll giggle when you show off and I know it’s just for me. I’ll hold your coffee while you drive. I can build a fire without burning the house down. If you wash the car with me – I promise to wear a white t-shirt for you. I‘ll hide around corners and try to scare you in the middle of the night.. of course, I’ll end up scaring myself and you’ll have to calm me down. I can change a flat tire and my own oil. It’s the simple things you do that make me swoon the most. I love it when you sing to me. I’ll make you mickey mouse pancakes. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we’re doing it together. I’ll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching tv. I won’t swear around your family or make you wear silly sweaters at my family’s during Christmas. I’ll grant you three wishes. I’ll make you laugh. I’ll stare in wonder with you at that hot chick with the great rack. I will marvel at your strength. I’ll take care of you when you’re sick. I give a kick ass massage. I think it’s hot when you come home all dirty from playing or working hard. My heart will skip every time you walk through the door. My kisses will take your breath away – seriously. I’ll giggle if you leave your socks on in bed. My quirks and oddities have been deemed ‘adorable’ and I will love you more everyday for all of yours. I’ll hold you when you need it. I will give you space when you need it. I will let you be you. You’ll sleep better when I’m next to you. I’ll thank you every time you open a door for me. I’ll never give you shit in front of your friends. I won’t ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch and a passionate kiss. We can watch your movie first. I’ll clean the house perfectly every time your mom comes by. I like horror movies only when you’re with me and only as long as you hold me close. I don’t litter. I love when you pull me down to sit on your lap. I love it when you lay your head on my chest in bed. I can be ready (shower and all) in half an hour. I’ll look cute as hell in your shirt in the morning. I can balance a checkbook. I can never turn down a challenge. I’ll fit perfectly in your arms. I’ll understand if you get jealous – and do my best to show you that you have no reason. Hand-written love notes will get you laid every time. I can totally keep a secret. I’m pretty damn funny and will do anything to make you laugh. You will always look hot to me in the morning. I think it’s cute when you eat off my plate. When you’re sleeping, I’ll try to stay quiet. I’ll call when I say I will. Treat me like a woman and I’ll treat you like a man. To clarify: I’m not looking for a fix-up project, or anything of that sort. I’m looking for a man who quite simply adds something extraordinary and special to my life. And I to him. A fair exchange, an amazing mind, body and soul connection and a place to build something magnificent."

(I wish I could say I wrote that, but I didn't. I have no idea who wrote it. I love it anyways. I stole it from my evil twin. Thanks SJ. Lots of giant things coming soon. Stay tuned...)

The sun never says...

2010-04-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

Even after all this time,

The sun never says to the earth,

"you owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,

It lights the Whole Sky.

(Hafiz)

Imagine that. Love without expectation.

The sun gives to the earth without ever asking anything in return.

Can you imagine if we all spent a little more time loving more & expecting less?

ex·pec·ta·tion
[ek-spek-tey-shuhn] Show IPA
–noun
1.
the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.
2.
the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
3.
an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.
4.
something expected; a thing looked forward to.
5.
Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.
6.
the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.
7.
Statistics. mathematical expectation.
8.
the state of being expected: a large sum of money in expectation.

I have expectations of myself as a person, a dancer, a yogi, an athlete, a Rockette, a friend, a sister, a young trendy girl living in NYC... I have expectations of my family, my friends, Starbucks baristas, yoga instructors, ballet instructors, taxi cab drivers...the list goes on. How reasonable are they & how many of them could I let go? Where did they even come from? Walking into any experience with too many expectations inhibits the ability to fully appreciate it. The world is a beautiful place, let it be. It's healthy to be optimistic, to push yourself...but experience has taught me that holding onto unreasonable expectations generally leads to dissapointment. We're all crazy perfectionists in a demanding world. It's time to shake off all those expectations & live each day with fresh eyes & a fresh mind. Spring cleaning!!! Let each moment come to you without expectation, & enjoy each experience for exactly what it is. I mean, in it's most simple form, that's what life is all about anyways, right? Once you've made some space by clearing out some of those crazy expectations, you may even have room for a little bit more love & compassion? The world could definitely use it.

(Can you tell I've been taking a lot of yoga again? All my crazy, hippie, peace, love, ballet & yoga talk? I spent 6:00pm until 7:30 upside down in yoga working on using my low, low abdominal muscles to initiate bringing my legs straight up into handstands then again in headstands...I'm going to be sore tomorrow...I love yoga)

quarantined

2010-04-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

Sixty seven degrees. Sunshine. Birds. Kids playing outside.

And so far it looks like this is as close as I'm going to get to any of it. (yes that absolutely is my window) Unfortunately it seems that my immune system was not aware of my busy weekend plans & has decided to quit on me. Instead of a BBQ & a night out on the town, I'm thinking it's Dayquil & tea in bed. Hopefully I can kick this before tomorrow because I have an 'Easter Feaster' to attend, & even more importantly I'm going to see one of my very best, most beautiful friends/big sister I never had, perform with a friend's company. So throat: If you wouldn't mind, pleeease return to normal size & quit aching when I swallow, & head please stop being so congested. As nice as spending the entire weekend in bed reading & writing sounds, I'd actually much rather be out & about enjoying spring in NYC.

Please & Thank You.

My little sis being serenaded by one of the band members @ Cafe Wha.

Legendary spot. Amazing night.

My father, lovingly referred to as 'Dad Seger' showing my sis his latest project: The Packard. He's a mechanical genius. He loves cars. & cowboy boots.

Get it down, before it is lost.

2010-04-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

"I shambled after as usual as I've been doing all my life after people that interest me, because the only people that interest me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing...but burn, burn, burn like roman candles across the night."

-Jack Kerouac

On the Road

Reinvent. Reinvent. Reinvent.

Give me 3 steps mister & you'll never see me no more

2010-03-31T18:23:00.000-07:00

I'm fairly certain walking home from the gym, it wasn't my step propelling me forward, but pushing the world back behind me.

Let's see, it's been 11 days since 9:30pm has found me on this couch. My sister visited, we went to Detroit, I had a mini-vacation in midtown, a lot more social activity than I'm used to. (not that it's a bad thing)

Going back to Detroit was emotionally jarring.

Sometimes you have to take a couple steps backwards to see how far you've come.

Not exactly a walk in the park. More teary eyed & gut wrenching. Dust settled far into the back corners of your mind is stirred up & feelings that had faded into faint memories come rushing over you like the tide. It seems like only yesterday... Driving down the same streets, walking through the same doors, into the same places I had been so many times before started to blur the lines between the girl I am now & the girl I used to be. I am a completely different person than I was two years ago, last summer & even two months ago. However, the solace stemming from that fact didn't come before hindsight. I had to suffer in those places, & in those memories for a minute before I realized they were only ghosts from my past. I don't live in those moments or have need for those feelings anymore.

They're only memories, I associate feelings with times with places so strongly that sometimes walking through a doorway takes me away to another time. (an overactive imagination doesn't help)

So though I had a wonderful time seeing my mother & father, whom I don't think I give enough credit sometimes & my sister who is my best friend & my most valuable confidant, my visit didn't happen without wounds being opened & salted. But it was only me who was doing the opening & salting. Maybe I'm terrible at letting go. Maybe my willingness to forgive & forget is completely exterior. Maybe I've just been through a lot of rough times & the letting go process takes longer for me. Maybe I'm stubborn. All of the above are very possible. Someone very dear to my heart has been continually suggesting, well, imploring that I do a little bit of spring cleaning...clear the old cobwebs from those dark corners of my mind to make space for something new & brighter & better. I need old resentment like I need 10lb. weights in my LaDucas.

Believe me when I say, I'm trying. Unfortunately they don't make a "Letting Go & Moving

On for Dummies," I checked...

It's a process & a moment to moment conscious decision. My favorite thing to say is, "it's only a part of your life as long as you allow it to be." (I leave out how difficult it is sometimes) Maybe, just maybe, I'm a tiny bit hypocritical sometimes. I don't mean to be, I promise, I'm just better at giving advice than I am at actually applying it all to myself.

The realization that I am not the same girl I was the last time I looked at myself in that bathroom mirror, in that house, is nothing less than inspiring. They say the only constant is change, so I suppose if I'm not changing, I'm not living. And it all seems to be for the better, so despite the fact that I rarely have any idea what I'm doing, I seem to be doing alright.

Happy Thursday everyone!

(ps- since I'm getting all blog savvy, I figured out how to connect my page with my virtual bookshelf...see it's over there, on the left, down a little bit? I don't know if you know this but I'm a gigantic bookworm & I love my books the way people love their plants & hermit crabs & babies so if you're ever curious what I'm reading & what authors I love the most...check it out! Right now it's everything & anything Tao Lin)

(pps that 'Dear Jack Kerouac' business up at the top of this entry was respectfully stolen from one of my new obsessions: Letters to Dead People. Take a peek. You'll love it. I promise.)

http://letterstodeadpeople.tumblr.com/

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

2010-03-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

I've had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

This picture is helping:

Today has officially fortified the simple fact that my best friends are dance classes, yoga, food, my books, my knitting, my uke & my dogs.

(Okay, & a very select few human beings)

The past few weeks have been rough. Today was just the icing on the cupcakes I just spent my whole Friday night making. Now I have a kitchen full of cupcakes & a brain full of madness. Two things I don't need...I think my roommate is getting a little frustrated with my inner turmoil showing on her waistline. But to be honest, once I'm finished with the cupcakes I just assume toss them out the window one by one. I don't really want them. I just want to make them. Maybe I will start taking them to a soup kitchen. Anyone want free cupcakes? Maybe I can buy the kitten in that photo with cupcakes...I think I will call him him either Baby Hellcat or Mr. Mojo Risin' (Mr. Mojo for short) I miss my dogs. My sister gets here tomorrow, I can't wait to see her. These next couple weeks are going to be better. Just keep swimming I guess.

Nowhere To Go but Through

2010-03-15T23:09:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of over-analyzing lately. A lot of list making, spring cleaning, resolving, revamping, rethinking, 'self-therapizing.' And way too much opening my eyes wishing the sunrise would catch up with my brain. My off-switch is apparently jammed & all this darkness & down time is boring. Five hours of nothing but staring at the ceiling & listening to the cities' after hour hustle is a long night...so instead, I'm not even going to pretend I'm sleeping. I'm going to eat Hot & Spicy Cheez-its & tell you about my hair appointment.

I got my hair done two days ago, braved the NYC monsoon to travel all the way from way uptown to way downtown to Williamsburg, Brooklyn to go to my most favorite hair salon (Hello Beautiful. Check it out) & my most favorite hair stylist. (Rebecca. Mega hot. Master of her craft) I was so stressed about this hair appointment...I liked being a redhead because I felt it set me apart a little, but my sister & my roommate had red hair, but I kinda wanted to try something new, but I was worried it wouldn't look as good as the red, & what if it came out too boring or what if it was too normal, & what if this person didn't like it, what if, what if, what if what if....I turned a hair appointment into a crisis before I even got there, got it done & had a chance not to like it. If the Olympics ever make a sport out of anxiety, let me know...that gold medal will be mine. The devil's in the details & so is his advocate. It's too easy to get wound up over the little things & forget that regardless if my hair is red, blond or purple I'm still the same person. If I have new Jeffrey Campbell boots, the highest paying dance job ever, if I can hold a headstand in yoga for 7 hours straight....still the same girl.

Bukowski was right, " what matters most is how you walk through the fire." That's what defines you. How you handle yourself in those most extreme moments of your life. Having the ability to thrive & appreciate those beautiful moments in your life & the ability to hold your head high, dignity intact, at the worst. It's going to happen, that moment when you couldn't possibly imagine life being anymore unfair...then life takes you up on that challenge & gets just that much more unfair? You've been making lemonade so long you don't have any more room in your fridge & then life delivers you another truckload of lemons? That moment. When you squeeze your eyes shut, take a deep deep breath, nod your head & think to yourself, 'here we go'...Shed the self-doubt, malicious thoughts, desire to just give up & take the easy way out the way a snake sheds it's skin & start walking through the fire...Because those are the moments that define who you are, more than the clothes you wear, the bands you listen to.....& the color of your hair. I'm not much for believing life is necessarily fair, but my faith in karma remains intact...I may never grasp the system those giant golden scales operate on, however I refuse to be discouraged & give up.

Time will run out eventually, & I would much rather spend mine trying to get out of the fire, at least it beats the hell out of wallowing in it....

"The phoenix hope, can wing her way through the desert skies, & still defying fortunes' spite; revive from ashes & rise."

-Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Happy Tuesday!

ps- If you dig poetry, you should read this. It's magically delicious :

http://railroadpoetry.blogspot.com/

Whenever it starts, it's the right time & when it's over, it's over.

2010-03-09T12:13:00.000-08:00

'...love was not an extension of public life but it's antithesis. It meant a longing to put himself at the mercy of his partner. He who gives himself up like a prisoner of war must give up his weapons as well. And deprived in advance of defense against a possible blow, he cannot help wondering when the blow will fall. That is why I can say that for Franz, love meant the constant expectation of a blow.'

-Milan Kundera

'The Unbearable Lightness of Being'

pg. 87

Inventory Managment

2010-03-03T14:09:00.000-08:00

Life is a never-ending learning process. There is no date where you walk across a stage & someone gives you a piece of paper signifying that you've learnt all you need to know. I've been in NYC for an entire month & I'm learning. I'm learning about my new home & I'm learning about the new me. A few "so-fars" for the record...

*I live uptown & the Free People store is downtown. (16th & 5th to be exact)

*I really love to cook & I'm a master cupcake baker, but my favorite foods seem to be avocado & orange flavored coffee.

*I was given a ukulele as a gift, I can not put it down. I play it about 20 hours a day & I'm determined to be a master by the time it's warm enough for me to climb from my bedroom window to the fire escape so I can sit & play it there.

*All the Lactaid in the world can not help me when I O.D. on dairy products...I really should just cut dairy out of my diet once & for all.

*Kashkaval is my most favorite place to eat & have a glass of wine in the entire city.

*I base a large portion of my self worth on my Scrabble abilities.

*I'm still in love with Bob Dylan...I have been my entire life. (I found a rare 20 LP set of his life work @ Bleecker Street Records for $899.99...dang. Wish I had an extra thousand dollars...)

*I've never ever seen a single episode of Friends, I have however seen almost every episode of every television show on Food Network. (late night programming)

*There is supposedly a musician named Jack Johnson. I have never heard of him, Keltie seemed to find that strange...My top five most listened to musical artists (this week) are: Bob Dylan, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, The Stones, & Lynyrd Skynyrd....& Jefferson Starship...I know. That was six, but it's my list.

*I really want these: http://www.solestruck.com/jeffrey-campbell-meds-black-distressed/index.html or these: http://www.jeffreycampbellshoes.com/blog/news-events/brit-boot-available-at-www-shoemarketnyc-com/

Jeffrey Campbell shoes are dreamy.

* I think I'm probably way to clumsy to do anti-gravity yoga, but it's the most fun 90 minutes of my life every day...That stuff is no joke.

*I have big plans for a new tattoo...I can't wait to get started. I love tattoos...it's a good thing I'm a dancer or I would be covered in them.

*I have a serious phobia when it comes to fake purple food. Grape Soda, Grape gum...Forget it. It makes me barf.

*I hate talking on the phone, I do like texting. Too much maybe.

I'm 100% optimistic about my life right now. Moving to the city with absolutely no plans & expectations was really scary. Especially for an over-analytical Capricorn like myself. I'm here & happy & still trying to dig myself a little place in this big crazy city, but I'm really not worried about failing. Things are starting to fit together quite nicely & it's almost time to start adventuring more, now that I'm actually starting to settle in. I don't really have a point to this blog entry, just things I've noticed in the past week...I have an unusually large amount of "quirks."

I got really upset the other night, a friend said to me, "you & I...we're weirdos" in the context of our conversation. Now there are two kinds of weirdos: 1. Weirdos by choice: the kind of people who really fear conformity, the norm. They go out of their way to prove to themselves & others that they are different. To each his own. 2. Weirdos by nature: People who didn't have a choice, or a chance to be normal. I guess the main difference between my subcategories of weirdness is that the first group did it to themselves. If you hadn't guessed I'm weird by nature, I was doomed from the start....Anyways, I got really upset. It kind of goes against everything I've written about & strived for in the past year of my life, but, I wondered if things would maybe be a little easier if I was more like most people...here's the thing: it doesn't matter. That "if" is irrelevant, because I'm not. I can dye my hair, pretend & lie until I look & sound just like your average chick, but that seems like a lot of work...& I don't think "your average chick" would wear anything in my wardrobe, so I guess it would be expensive too. What I'm trying to say is I am what I am regardless of how I try and disguise it. Embracing it is really my only option & I do, but moments of weakness are bound to happen. Being a novelty to people can get a little defeating. Normal is in the eye of the beholder I guess...because if you ask me, girls who wear pink velour & love Brad Pitt are weird....

(I must be weird...or at least crazy...tomorrow morning: five mile run, 9:00am Core Conditioning, 9:30am Total Body Conditioning, 1:30pm Ballet, 7:00 Anti-Gravity Yoga...wish me luck)

People are strange when your a stranger.

2010-02-24T18:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I like to make up stories in my mind about the people on the subway trains. I wonder which of them are making up stories about me.

I bake my cake & eat it too.

2010-02-23T20:06:00.000-08:00

Here's what I think...

We're all working towards making the world around us as close as we possibly can to the "perfect" world we've dreamed up in our minds. That Center Stage meets 500 Days of Summer (ahem...Keltie :) meets Aerosmith video meets Kay Jewelry Commercial. Each one of them as beautiful & unique as the person who created it...What's yours? Mine is equal parts Anthropologie catalog, Breakfast at Tiffanys, & Rock & Roll chic, add a heavy dash of Carrie Bradshaw, mix well & top with a hippie bohemian gypsy flair....That's my perfect world...subject to change at any moment. Essentially I don't see anything wrong with that concept. We pull inspiration from everything around us in order to create ourselves & our universe how we each see fit, piece by piece. It means we're paying attention. There's no cure for dreamer's disease, I consider this making the best of the situation...

The difficult end of that being the realization that the world we live in will never be that perfectly scripted, painstakingly thought-out & over-thought day dream that sends you to sleep every night. My hair will never look as perfectly tousled as Carrie Bradshaw's in the mornings, I will never quite have the flair, or the Givenchy dresses, of Holly Golightly, & "he" will never actually be Jim Morrison...or Bob Dylan...The key is to look past that, see the beauty in your own situation. Your favorite scenes in movies are played out, don't preconceive every moment from now until forever or you're going to miss everything. So he stuttered a little & didn't deliver Shakespearean worthy poetry...So you couldn't afford Manolo Blahniks & wore your go-to Target pumps....There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You're as cool & quirky as the people you wish you were more like. The hard part is embracing that & giving yourself permission to just be. I get lost 35% of the time I walk out my front door, my hair is a trainwreck when I get out of bed in the mornings, I for some reason refuse to leave the house without at least 4 necklaces, 6 bracelets & two rings on, I can't walk around my room without banging one of my shins on the corner of my bed, I have the worst memory ever, & I'm incredibly awkward in social settings...not exactly Holly Golightly...but then again I doubt she'd rock a pair of black knee high motorcycle boots the way I do. If you don't remind yourself of these things the only end result will be an incredible amount of un-necessary pressure you place on yourself to live up to some crazy idea...constant disappointment....I think it's wonderful to aspire to be like people you admire but remember the differences you have make you unique and

beautiful. There is already one Kate Moss in the world, we don't need another. Be yourself, everyone else is taken. There's no need to be upset every day of your life because you're feet just aren't as beautiful as Sylvie Guillem's....most peoples' aren't, yours will never be, but point them as hard as you can & be proud anyways. No one has any right to expect you to be perfect, unless they themselves are perfect & I'll tell you right now...they aren't. There are things you can't change, let them be. There are things that you admire, take from them what you can & put your own unique twist on them. Open your eyes to the world around you, let life unfold & enjoy it. After all, what else can you do? C'est la vie.

(sometimes I have to give even myself advice in the form of a blog. Today was blustery & rainy. Dinner with Keltie was like a hot cup of Refresh tea for my brain.)

I am getting up at 5:30am to be at the gym by 6....And that's that.

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. "

-Jim Morrison

carte blanche

2010-02-04T16:28:00.000-08:00

Day 1. New home. New York. New girl.

hi.

Unstoppable Momentum

2010-01-20T16:39:00.000-08:00

.simple truths.

Happy Me Day!

2010-01-19T08:16:00.000-08:00

to me.

dear me.

to me.

(what? is that wierd? No one else sang...I'll sing to myself)

Thank you mom & dad for screwing up & accidentally having me. Thank you Shelli, Sam, Ali, Keltie, Katie, Ann, & SJ for being my go-to girls from anything from boy advice to shopping opinions & putting up with me in general. Thank you Bob Dylan, Sylvie Guillem, Kurt Vonnegut, Robert Plant, Desmond Richardson, Janis Joplin(happy birthday where ever you are), Milan Kundera, George Balanchine, Freddie Mercury & Audrey Hepburn for filling my eyes, ears & brain with inspiration.

Thank you Excedrin for making the aspirin that will hopefully clear up the little headache I am experiencing due to the six glasses of champagne I may or may not have had last night. Toasting yourself on your birthday is one thing, but six times may be five too many...

It's my day so you have to listen to me because I said so...

here is my 2 birthday cents:

Good bedding shouldn't be so expensive...neither should love...99.9% of famous people are talentless and heartless...that's why reality television is so God-awful...reality television should be banished from the planet, except any & all appearing on Food Network...People lie too much, because they're scared. What they fail to realize is that the people they're lying to are just as scared...Neon leggings shouldn't happen...Passion Pit sounds like what I imagine Care Bears would sound like if they started an indie band...The world would be a better place if people drank less Red Bull and more tea...Rap music makes absolutely no sense to me, neither do politics, organized religion, Ed Hardy, William S. Burroughs, pink velour or romantic comedies...I know so many people put too much effort into being someone else in public, when who they are behind closed doors is so much more beautiful...LuluLemon isn't that great, it's hyper expensive & snobby...Britney Spears' children are going to grow up to be serial killers...People spend way too much money on weddings & not nearly enough on their well being & health...A Marc Jacobs purse can change everything...More people should fight the good fight, dig their heels into the ground & refuse to be anything other than nice...& honest...Facebook needs a dislike button, Myspace is so 2002, & twitter is useless...Rock & Roll saves lives...Men should have no say in abortion matters, just like straight people should have no say in gay marriage...Orange nail polish will make you feel 10 times better, it's like you can actually see the sunshine radiating from your fingertips...If you don't turn of the television & read every day your imagination will surely die. The loss of imagination is a tragedy & it's happening all around us...People rarely stand for what the believe in, I don't judge people for having a different opinion than my own. Do you?...World: Stop & take a moment to learn the difference between there, their, & they're, it makes a difference. I promise...Love more. Hate less. Hate is easy, love takes courage...

Here's to another year...

birthday wishes

2010-01-18T18:51:00.000-08:00

"We don't read & write poetry because it's cute. We read & write poetry because we are members of the human race. & the human race is full of passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits & neccessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love...these are what we stay alive for."

-Dead Poet's Society

OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR

2010-01-16T20:06:00.000-08:00

Unexpected hiatus. Sorry.

I'm a little late, but 2010 sort of snuck up on me. I have high hopes for this year..2007, 2008, I was treading water...I wasn't going anywhere at all. 2009...was kind of a transitional year...I was finally starting to get my head on straight. 2010: it's time to take to the sky.

TwentyTen (The 10)...I want a year of bright colors & loud music. Life at full capacity. Things I love. Things that scare me. No apologies & no dumbing myself down. Mistakes welcome. I'm ready for anything & I refuse to waste another second.

I have officially been home from tour for the longest week & a half of my life...The entire thing seems like a really crazy dream. I miss my friends, I miss the cave, I miss the guarantee of dancing every day, I miss room service, I miss starting every morning with a trip to catering for a cup of tea & ending every night with a standing ovation. These are the places where I am happiest & most myself. Beginning February first I will be joining the 10,000,000 people already living in NYC, to live again as a deliciously bohemian, free spirited, starving artist. I can't imagine a better way to be, hopefully maybe not so starving though. I'm hoping that within this time I will be able to create a life that is comparatively as beautiful as being on stage. A new place where I am more than happy to be myself...Wish me luck...

I'm in Chicago right now for my last 2 days as a 25 year old.

(I turn 26 on the 19th....yikes.)

Quality sister time: shopping too much, eating too much & laughing too much over

cocktails...I'm having the best time. I better enjoy this now, because when I get home, I have exactly ten days to yet again, pack my entire life into brown cardboard boxes & ship it to the Big Apple...So many things to do between packing, shipping, getting there, buying furniture. Frenzied....don't worry though...the only thing I've accomplished thus far is finding bedding at Anthropologie. Expensive bedding....Priorities people. There may already be 10,000,000 people living in New York City, but just one me...ready?

Like I said...2010 is going to be a good year. I can feel it my heart of hearts. As for now, I have a windy city to conquer with my sister...Later!

Brain-fried & Tongue-tied

2009-12-28T22:33:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to start.

I find I'm most productive in the early hours, when I should be sleeping.

2009-12-23T02:35:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness I'm an insomniac.

When else would I find the time for last, last minute Christmas shopping & wrapping gifts?

T minus 2.5 days until I spend Christmas with my sister.

I. Can't. Wait.

Meet Cassie. She's magical & I love her:
http://cpadulaphotography.blogspot.com/

The Thinker of Great Thoughts

2009-12-22T11:54:00.000-08:00

When I was young, I distinctly remember wanting to be the first girl to think every thought there was to think...

There had to be some wildy impressive prize for accomplishing such a feat, probably even a Nobel prize...which I imagined must be cast in 24K solid gold and encrusted with precious gems. Not just anyone was capable of the brain power it required to ponder everything in the universe, however, at the age of seven, I was without doubt that I was more than capable, and ready to add that prize to the mantle I would one day need to display all of my most stellar, incredibly impressive, accomplishments. The mantle, I imagined, of course, would rest over the fireplace in the main sitting room of the fabulous mansion I would own in the future, (Maybe by age eleven...) because the house on Thousand Oaks was no kind of place for a rockstar/author/lawyer/ballerina/princess/supermodel/thinker of great thoughts to be living.

I would sit outside St. Thecla's church after my catechism lessons every Tuesday, plugging away mentally at the tiniest of thoughts, I figured I should get those out of the way before I moved on to the big ones. "What if I was that brick...What if I was that brick...or that one...or..." (seriously) "What if St. Thecla looked less like a giant, tacky beige & purple miserable prison & more like churches should look....like the ones on television where everything is shiny & golden & expensive, adorned with beautiful paintings" (I wanted everything in my world to look like the giant rhinestone clip on earrings my Yia Yia had bought me at the dollar store)Yes, I went to catechism. It obviously didn't work, because I have only three distinct memories from that time, outside of the general remembrance that I was bored out of my mind one hour out of every Tuesday for five long years. My relationship with God was fine, we chatted every night:

As I lay me down to sleep, I pray to God my soul to keep, & if I die before I wake, I pray to God my soul to take. Amen. Dear God: please let my parents give me their credit card and drop me off at Toys-R-Us for an entire day. Please let me be home schooled. Please let that younger, less brilliant version of me with freckles & blondish hair that has been occupying the other half of this room for the past few years go back from whence it came...Jesus was an only child, so why aren't I? Ask him on this one, I'm sure he'll understand. Please let Princess Diana realize that she is missing her beautiful, talented princess daughter & send for me right away...oh & that my name isn't Nicole...it's something with more letters & more exotic...like Violet...or Violetta...or...well I'm sure she will figure out. Goodnight God.

What? I said please. The undiscovered daughter of Princess Di must have manners. I was, of course, royalty...Another reason I didn't need catechism. Third grade, my second year of catechism, I had the hiccups so badly, it was disrupting our lessons & they had to call my mother to come pick me up. Only after a scolding from Mom, for the smug smile I had on my face, between hiccups, the entire ride home, did they stop. That's the last time I've ever had the hiccups. Honestly...cross my heart. You tell me that wasn't God himself excusing me from that hour of nearly lethal boredom. I got it. Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not commit adultery (which at the time I thought that meant allow yourself to grow into a moldy, cranky old bat like my mom & dad) thou shalt not covet thy neighbors stuff, (mine was better anyways) thou shalt not ground their eldest daughter for mouthing off to a nun...common sense stuff. They weren't real nuns anyways. Real nuns wore those big, homely, blocky penguin dresses like they wore in Sister Act. So it was up to me to find other ways to occupy my brain for that hour...Following year, fourth grade, instead of spending the hour choosing a scripture to memorize & explain to the class what it meant to me from some giant outdated book with no pictures & no interesting characters, (Rainbow Brite, He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters, Johnny Cash, James Bond, Indiana Jones, Bob Dylan...I would have accepted any of the above.) I found it much more interesting to see how

many numbers of pi I could memorize within that hour. (It was displayed on a runner that ran around all four dingy grey walls, up where they met the dingy grey ceiling) Unfortunately the nun wasn't impressed with my recitation of the first 38 numbers of pi...mathematical prowess is not next to Godliness apparently...which I would find out a few years later, was a good thing anyways.

Which takes me back to my last memory of catechism, sitting outside waiting for the giant blue Lincoln Towncar to come flying through the parking lot at maybe 50 MPH, & swoop around the curved drive where it would finally screech to a halt in front of me. (I'm fairly certain the Macomb Township Police Department could pave their entire lot in solid gold using only the money my parents have paid out over their lifetime in speeding tickets. (& Lord only knows what else) The moment I realized that it was absolutely impossible to think every thought there was to think, because there was an infinite number of thoughts floating around the universe...Infinity...my favorite number. Imagine that. I was devastated, well, until I realized that there was no shiny gold prize to be had either. Oh well, I had enough on my plate as it was as a rockstar/author/lawyer/ballerina/princess/supermodel anyways. I would still be described as a thinker of great thoughts, brilliant perhaps, in the many television specials & newspaper articles that would be written about me..."the rockstar qualities of Janice Joplin & Joan Jett, The demure & timeless style of Audrey Hepburn & Jackie O. Smarter than Albert Einstein & modest as anyone could be." That would do I guess...

That particular childhood endeavor is what I blame for what now has become a nearly compulsive need to consider every

bad thing that can possibly happen as a result of every tiny situation I encounter throughout the day. Mental sanity suicide. Almost twenty years later, & I still have the same amount of "what-ifs" running through my brain at any given moment. For example, as I just took the elevator down three floors to check the progress of my laundry, I couldn't help but think there was a possibility that the elevator could malfunction & suddenly drop down to the basement the same way it does in the Tower of Terror in Disney Land. (scarred me for life) However, the mere fact that I considered the possibility of that happening, completely removed the element of surprise & therefore lessened the odds that it would. Make sense? No. Probably not. It's like an addiction, ranging from small scale crisis to unbelievably outlandish, 10 out of 10, life changing disaster. Paranoia? Kind of. I don't like being surprised & these things only happen when you least expect them, right? I'm just taking extreme caution & mentally preparing, constantly. If you really think about it, like I said, it's most likely suicide for my mental health, but on the other hand, I've already considered every possible (& impossible) horrible thing you could ever do to me, so when it happens, I'm at least not completely blindsided. As crazy as it sounds, this whole thought process, although mentally exhausting, has been serving me well.

Some people should come with a very detailed disclaimer, I'm one of them...

CAUTION: Mini-Vent Session Ahead. Limited Visibility.

2009-12-20T17:28:00.001-08:00

Here's the thing people: Stop putting the responsibility of your happiness in other peoples' hands, or over other peoples' heads. You want something done, you do it yourself, right? Well that pertains to your happiness too. Take the initiative & make a decision. Take all of the time you spend blaming your unhappiness on her, or him, or this, or that & instead spend it doing one thing a day that makes you happy...magical. 99% of the time you know exactly what it is that you need, so what are you waiting for? Or who? The damsel in distress routine is so Renaissance Era...(am I right Ani?)

Carpe diem people, it's 2010 for goodness sake.

(well...almost)

Thought of the day: I don't give myself nearly enough credit. For surviving the past 25 years of Burroughs-worthy dysfunction, somehow something clicked. I'm so glad to be me...Currently embracing my individuality, talent, intelligence, strange sense of humor & ability to think in a completely realistic manner & a completely outrageous, magical, over-actively imaginative way...simultaneously.

You dig?

Thank you. We will now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

When it snows, you have two choices: shovel or make snow angels...

2009-12-19T21:20:00.000-08:00

Never ever in the history, my history, of Radio City have they ever cancelled shows. Until today. Two shows cancelled in the Snowpocalypse of Washington DC, three cancelled tomorrow. And by the way...as of right now...11:09pm....it's not snowing at all. Why do I feel guilty? I've been given one of the best gifts mother nature has up her sleeve around this time of year...a Snow Day! Zero responsibility outside of late brunches, snow angels, & hot cocoa. A lot of people on this crazy tour's spirits have been crying so loudly for a day off that Ms. Mother Nature herself answered their prayers.

“Nature has no mercy at all. Nature says, "I'm going to snow. If you have on a bikini and no snowshoes, that's tough. I am going to snow anyway."” - Maya Angelou

Instead of doing the last two shows of the day I got to catch up with my sister, have an incredibly fun dinner, & a giant mug of hot cocoa while watching Scrooged. (which is my favorite Christmas movie ever) There's just something so romantic in a Snow Day...it's an immeasurable force in the universe, Mother Nature, giving you permission to relinquish all responsibility for the day & feed your soul every comforting luxury it needs. Your boss, my boss, the corporate Radio City suits, can't argue with Mother Nature. What she says goes & apparently the people of DC have been working too hard, 'tis the season to drive yourself crazy.

It's time to crawl back into bed reach for a warm drink & your favorite Christmas movie. The weather outside is frightful. What I wouldn't give for a day off with my family, the fireplace & the frosty view of the river behind the house, hidden under sheets of grey blue ice & mounds of snow. Putting up a Christmas tree, with all of the ornaments my mother, the original crafty lady, & my Pop Pop, from whom she got the talent put hours & hours into crafting. It's been so long since I've seen any of them. I have my own box of ornaments at home, each one wrapped carefully with it's own memory in a sheet of old newspaper & tucked away in a box. Maybe it's in the attic, or the garage...waiting patiently for the day to come where I once again will have a tree to ever so painstakingly arrange them on for the holiday season. For now I will just have to settle with admiring the perfectly color coordinated, expertly designed trees in the lobbies of the hotels I seek refuge in night after night on this contract. Don't get me wrong, they're stunning, & I love them, but those ornaments don't contain the memories that mine do. My Christmas tree never looks so coordinated...it's more eclectic, more patchwork, more me.

Christmas is about family & memories & love & selflessness & hope. Things that easily fall through the cracks when I'm doing my best to get my laundry done, keep my suitcase organized, eat well, stay hydrated & somehow find time to Christmas shop, all while performing & traveling ever day...I'm spreading Christmas cheer to hundreds of thousands of families, in fact, becoming a very special part of their Christmas memories, but I've been unable to enjoy this Christmas season myself...instead I'm sitting on my bathroom floor with a white knuckle grip on my childhood Christmas memories & tears in my eyes, cursing the world for changing so much. Who wouldn't want to go back just once & be a kid on Christmas again? Dude if my six year old self caught me wasting the best time of the year the way I have been this season, she'd kick me in the shins so hard I'd have a bruise until next Christmas!! Those are my memories, & I keep them very near my heart, I can't ever have those days back....no amount of kleenex & Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" on repeat will take me back in time. Trust me, I asked....but then I realized I've been looking at this all wrong. So maybe my mom, dad & sister aren't all here with me...That doesn't mean I'm without family. My family here just happens to be comprised of Rockettes, singers, dancers, LPs, sound guys, riggers, bus drivers,

caterers, stage manages, company managers, wardrobe people, hair people, prop guys, & I'm sure I'm forgetting someone...It's unethical...but so am I. All things considered, I'm pretty lucky, I just needed a gentle reminder that although I may not be able to go back in time to Christmas' past, I can still approach the holiday season with just as much anticipation as I did when I was a kid, I get to spend it with a bunch of really amazing people! I'm going to try and be extra thankful for what I do have this holiday season, take a moment to admire all the holiday decorations & possibly throw a snowball or two on my snow day! Enjoy everyone!

What good is WiFi on the bus if I'm not using it?

2009-12-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

"& well you should, because this garden is your soul. This mess is you! Together, you & I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. & it is wild & beautiful & perfectly in process. To you it seems like a mess, but to me, I see a perfect pattern emerging & growing & alive-a living fractal."

(Wm. Paul Young, 'The Shack')

Being on tour is like being in limbo. It's like going from nowhere to nowhere.

2009-12-08T23:45:00.000-08:00

How am I supposed to drink enough to stay hydrated when it makes me have to pee every 3.14 seconds?

Fifth one nighter in a row.

I apologize for the interrupted transmission

2009-12-05T09:47:00.001-08:00

I haven't forgotten you little blog, I just find that 23.5 out of 24 hours a day are 100% fully occupied. There are so many things I need to document quickly before they start to fade in my mind, despite my best efforts I seem to be incapable of avoiding mischief. Life sans mischief is just not my nature. I will write again soon, maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow.

I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.

Kurt Vonnegut

Stay beautiful everyone! Sending my love from the fifth story of a Winston-Salem hotel on a particularly dreary day.

At times in my life the only place I have been happy is when I am on stage. -Bob Dylan

2009-11-09T08:05:00.000-08:00

Despite our rather lite rehearsal schedule the past few days (which has been unbelievable) I've neglected to write. I like to think I was out living my life instead of day dreaming about it. From now on my free moments will be few & far between...as much as I would like to stay in bed & sleep them away, it's worth it to take the opportunity to explore at least a few of the 31 destinations in my near future. Our last few days of rehearsal before opening have felt slightly surreal considering how pleased everyone has been with our cast, Julie & Linda couldn't be more happy. How often do you get to play Radio City Jeopardy & end rehearsal an hour early with a cast sing-a-long to "Joy to the World" instead of cramming in one last full dress run. (it's amazing how few of the words I really knew to that song...)I'll admit...It made us all feel a little warm & fuzzy inside. In return for our hard work, we've had a lot more fun & a lot more free time!! (Opening day I had another phone interview, for the Grand Rapids Press...note to self Nicole: while in an interview situation, Rockettes do not use the phrase, "yea, man..." Honestly...)

Monday night was finally opening night, complete with butterflies & nerves, speeches, gifts, & a party! With electricity in our veins & stars in our eyes, the gun went off & we hit the ground running. The giant, dark, empty space we had been performing in for the past few weeks

had magically become a sea of movement, life, gleaming faces & thunderous applause. I have yet to find anything more gratifying, more elating, than the curtain going up on opening night.

Naturally we had some major technical boo-boos in the show. However, when it really came down to it...as we were doing our best to dance off of a moving double decker bus & charging downstage after our Shine staircase refused to budge, denying us the epic entrance we so deserved...we managed to accomplish everything we had so painstakingly rehearsed for the past two months, with more grace & style than any of the thousands of people sitting spellbound in the audience could have hoped for. On top of that we did it all without a hair out of place & a twinkle in our eyes, Lady Danger style, of course...what's up Hamilton? See you tomorrow Montreal.

So here we go, 105 shows, 31 cities, 17 one nighters, Thanksgiving on an airplane & Christmas Eve on a bus...Merry Christmas America. It's not necessarily the most ethical lifestyle, but as far as I can tell, it's what I'm best at. Thus far in life, normalcy is not my forte...I can't sit still...& although I still have yet to master sleeping in the fetal position across two seats on a greyhound bus, I'll take it over a white picket fence any time, at least for now...I like looking out my window & seeing something completely different every day, running out of my hotel room in a city I've never seen before on a rare moment off & discovering something new. I'm quite sure a month from now I will most likely change my tune & want nothing more than to stay in one place for a week & sleep it straight through, but then again, I've never pretended to be consistent.

One of my favorite people on this crazy little Christmas tour said this to me in an email yesterday, I think it might be one of the most epic, brilliant things I've ever heard on the subject of touring.

"Touring is crazy. It makes you crazy. The world will never be the same to one after one has toured and absorbed at the speed and level in which we coexist and make magic that we are all just used to creating, and sometimes fail to notice how cool this gypsy lifestyle is and we are leaving positive marks on people all over the map. That's ass kicking, and it's exactly the romance of the road."

Did I mention that I work with some of the coolest people on the face of the earth?

This is Halloween, everybody make a scene Trick or treat till the neighbors die of fright

2009-10-31T16:11:00.000-07:00

Trick or Treat!

Here's the thing with scary movies: They scare me. I love them, I watch them, I sleep with the lights on. How do the Michael Myers movies still scare me? I mean, as much as I enjoy Josh Hartnett's very youthful face in this movie, he clearly has puny arms. This was 1998, long before Pearl Harbor. If only he'd watched the 19 preceding Halloween movies, he'd know that his weak right hook is no match for Michael Myer's boundless strength & large machete. I'll never understand how he always manages to be 3 steps behind Jamie Lee Curtis after a 20 mile drive, 4 hour boat ride, & 16 hour plane ride, when he's incapable of moving faster than a lethargic waddle. What's he so angry about? (Maybe he had to clean Group A off the bus again too...;)

Never fear, I have "The Nightmare Before Christmas" here on DVD...It's been one of my favorite movies since it came out in 1993. I've had the VHS tape since '93 & it's been played so many times it squeaks...long, long, long before it became a hipster staple...

I love, love, love Halloween. It's the one day a year it's perfectly acceptable to dress up as crazy, gory, glam, scary, silly, sexy, & out of this world as your imagination can fathom. (& not get funny looks from strangers) It's the one day a year you can go crazy & be who ever you want to be. (or perhaps let a different side of you shine a little bit more brightly than usual) I fully endorse celebrating Halloween once a month, at least. I totally punked out this Halloween unfortunately...There was just no time to put together an outstanding costume. Keltie & I wore cat ears to the mall today, that's about it. I even skipped the Halloween party in the hotel bar last night, I opted for a quiet dinner with Sam & Ging, & sitting in bed icing my poor, busted body & watching late night Food Network programming. (It was a good night.)

Thursday was another Media Day, but at the last moment Linda decided that instead of the usual black tight, black bottom & black Rockette tee she decided to bring back "bigger & brighter is better" day so we all got to give the news cameras some bright, bold, funky Lady Danger style. Of course, I don't own brightly colored dance wear, (I'm a balletrina, I wear all black, what can I say) the original Lady Danger, Schoppe, brought me a sassy tye-dyed tank to wear. I don't know if it was my hair, or my make-up, the tank, or the red lip, but I got tons of compliments on how pretty I looked. Everyone was so sweet :) I loved it!!

The most incredible thing about that day came when Linda announced that instead of having rehearsal today from one until four, that we were in such a good place that she was giving us all of Saturday off!!! What? Radio City history, again. That's never, ever happened. That means we have today off, tomorrow we travel to Canada, then Monday off...THREE DAYS in a row off...Unheard of. So instead of a run through, I went to the mall & Joann Fabrics with Keltie for some retail therapy & delicious Cinnabon :) Although, all I bought was stuff from Sephora & Apple that I needed. I could spend ages & millions in Sephora. Which is what I did today. There are just so many pretty colors!!

After yesterday, I needed the day off. We all did. We had two full show run throughs with clean up rehearsal after each run, I would say it came out to about a 2.75 show day. Man was I tired, by the end of the day my legs felt like they were made of lead. Our first run was a little less stellar than our fearless leaders had expected, they said it wasn't bad necessarily, but they knew we were capable of much better. We were all a little bitter & tired & wanted to nap. Before the second run Mark took a minute to inspire our attitudes & encourage us to work together, to feed off each others' energy...The reality of the situation is that we will be that tired once we open, probably quite often, & that's the only way we will get through the shows. We wound up pulling it together for a great run last night, I hope once we get into Hamilton we will all be 20 times better with our fresh legs & fresh minds.

Tomorrow we will be taking our first bus ride of the season, I stocked up on knitting supplies for the trip, I enjoy the bus rides much more than flying, they're pretty stress free. I will be in Canada for 18 days, almost a month. It's going to be fun, although I have a terrible time figuring out their money system, the loonies & toonies confuse me. I'm going to need Keltie's help on this one. On that note, I have a 7:00am bus call & haven't even started packing....See you in December, Hershey! Onward to the Land of "eh!"

When life gives you lemons...

2009-10-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder when life throws you those devastating, gigantic life changing, jaw dropping, I never saw it coming, surprises, that maybe they wouldn't have happened if you had been paying closer attention? That if you weren't looking the other way, maybe things would be different? It's just not true is it. Some things you just can't foresee. Sometimes your problems yesterday fade into the shadows of a mountainous tragedy today. All of a sudden yesterday didn't seem that bad. It happens. That's life, we can say, & really, really try, to be thankful for what we have & focus on the positive, even in the worst of times. But who are we kidding, sometimes those valleys in the landscape of our lives collect a lot of rain water.

Much earlier today, I sat looking out a rainy window of Panera Bread with Keltie, Beth & Howie, contemplating a unique, witty ending to the phrase, "when life gives you lemons..." We laughed after going through a long list of cliche & silly answers, & finally realized we had nothing better. Little did we know that one of us was going to have a dump truck full of lemons unloaded on us hours later.

So what do we do when life gives us lemons?

The best I can do right now, is imagine you have to just start clearing a path to move

forward, one lemon at a time. I'd love to have some lofty, profound answer, but I'm only human, & not arrogant enough to pretend to be enlightened. You cry, & cry & cry & feel bad. There's nothing wrong with feeling bad. Sometimes really shitty things happen & you have at least my permission to take a moment & be sad. Life isn't fair. I DO NOT believe that every bad thing that happens in your life is karma paying you back, so don't feel guilty. Sometimes life just sucks. I guess you can do whatever makes you feel better with the lemons....lemonade, lemon bars, lemon meringue pie, lemon drop martinis...as long as you're making an effort towards getting to a better place. It's all you can do, I think, & these things take time. Life experience builds character & I do believe God only throws situations at you that he knows you can handle. Things will get better. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. It's not easy by any means, but there is no shortcut.

Usually it takes something big to remind us all to be thankful for what we have. Unless.....unless we make a concerted effort to remind ourselves constantly. Time heals & things eventually progress in the direction you take them. Do your very best & things will get better. Even in the bleakest of times, cultivate le petite bonheur....even if it's just lemonade.

I don't belong many places, but I know I belong here.

2009-10-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

The past few days have definitely had their high highs, low lows & fair shares of craziness. I guess when your days are this long, there is a lot of time for twists & turns. Friday wasn't my favorite day ever...It was a textbook example of how powerful our minds really are...unfortunately it was incredibly painful. One of my favorite parts of the show happens in NYAC, (New York at Christmas) when we dance on a double decker bus...so cool. Less cool was learning the exit off the bus...Grab the pole in the door with my right hand & swing out of the bus on 1, 2, 3, 4....My sassy big moment! Wheeeeeeee!......?.....No?......$#%@...Ow. Why can't I do this right? It's simple. Why do I keep smashing my shin on the door of the bus? I'm so awkward. I can't do it. We ran Group A off the bus on the upside of 20 times...Still no success. (Mind you no one is correcting me or telling me I look bad...it just feels awful. & Yes that is my battered leg on the right with the black boots...The other girl is the girl opposite me getting off the bus...We decided we must not be doing it right.) I was having such a good day before that too.

Eventually we moved on into the number, Deep breath, here we go. Until we went back to run the number from "Group A off the bus" again. It was about 8:30 @ night, hour & a half to go. We get back on the bus, we're waiting for the music to cue...I loose it.....tears. Merry Christmas Meltdown...It happens. (Thank goodness no one saw, except my bottom of the bus girls :) Took a deep breath & 5, 6, 7, 8....Holy crap, I was a mess...the harder I tried, the worse I danced. All of a sudden I was hopping a left double pirouette, my center was gone, my depths were unclear & I imagine I was dancing like a damn fool. And I swear, I was trying so hard to be positive & let it go. Just move on...but every time someone addressed me, I could feel my eyes well up again...even when Andrew, one of our Stage Managers asked to take my NYAC gloves that I apparently had been wearing for an hour after everyone else has already given him theirs...I managed to barely keep it together for the remainder of rehearsal until I immediately bawled my eyes out the entire car ride home. How embarrassing.

Here's the thing, in actuality, the people watching said I looked perfectly fine, good in fact. I have no idea why I felt like the worst dancer that's ever lived for that hour and a half. I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as I felt. (Well except for my shins...we're work shopping new ways to swing ;) In tech, we work long hours, we get tired, we're all crazy perfectionists, things just layer & layer until you feel like a can of coke that someone shook up. Sometimes you just have to cry, it cleans your soul. Trust me, I get that some people may not understand, that's okay. There are aspects of my job, my life really, that may sound completely illogical, & crazy. I'm definitely crazy, so that makes sense to me.

Saturday was so much better, despite the grey skies & endless downpour. How could I not be happy on bigger is better day? I put on a pair of my garish, over sized earrings & some equally as large rings. (I love gigantic jewelry. I always over accessorize, it's kind of my thing.) Little did we know, bigger is better day had so much more in store for us. About two hours into the day, Santa & the little boys were on the stage working some lighting, giving

us a rare moment to relax. I grabbed my book (The Book of Laughter & Forgetting by Milan Kundera) & sat on the floor near the hallways with our dressing room (the locker room) & a load in door for some light. About 10 pages into my reading, (I'm so close to being done with the book, I just keep going back & re-reading. Kundera is so epic it takes a lot of re-reading to fully absorb) one of the security guards addresses me, "Excuse me...miss...you may want to move...ummm...." I look up & there is a steady, fast moving flow of water coming in from under the load in door.

The arena was flooding. I couldn't believe it...A couple of the other girls & I took off running into the dressing room, pulling everything up off the floor. LaDuca rehearsal shoes are not cheap....By the time we had finished the hall was flooding, we had to run through backstage & jump to higher ground in some of the arena seating. By then nearly the entire stage/backstage/entry way of the arena was completely flooded a few inches deep with yucky dirty rainwater. There is a lot of wiring & electronic stuff backstage...power down time. After a quick meeting up up in the dry second bowl, in catering, we were released until dinner...@ 6:00. Three hours to get paid to play? Thank you very much janky, busted, soggy arena. Keltie, David (our Santa swing) & I wandered through some nearby outlet stores & eventually made our way into three cozy armchairs in the

corner of Starbucks with a soy chai latte. I finally found time to read the news paper!! By dinner they had managed to clean & dry everything so we had three hours of working through Santas on stage. Even more exciting was that one of my very good friends was pulled from a different cast to come replace a girl we lost. Brittany had really bad Achilles tendinitis, I had really bad Achilles tendinitis once, I almost had to leave my cast. It's such a painful thing, I'm very glad she is taking good care of her body. I'm also very glad Sam is here. Welcome back to the A-Team Sam:)

I was in such good spirits Saturday that I even went downstairs for a hot second to be social! Yesterday was a day off, & boy did we all need one! Nothing too terribly exciting: mandatory Target shopping trip, of course. I love Target, they sell so many things I didn't realize I needed until I wandered every aisle. Adventured with Keltie: Michael's, Joann Fabrics, & Marshalls...needed some crafting supplies. Then laundry, days off go by waaaay too quickly. I always feel guilty for staying in bed all day, but when I'm a busy bee I just feel like I should be sitting in bed relaxing. I just can't win!!

Today there were no crazy, facebook status update worthy events. It was just a good day:) I had a moment sitting in the dark of the arena listening to our DC, Hannah giving notes, looking up at the ensemble working through a piece of choreography in the bright lights of the stage. It sort of balanced all the negativity I was feeling only a couple short days ago. Sometimes I wish I had a camera in my left eye. When I blinked it would take exactly what I was seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, & file it away in neat little compartments in the back of my mind, that I could pull out & relive whenever I needed them. They'd never fade, or fuzz around the edges, I could still feel it just as strongly as I did in that very moment. (I honestly wish this a lot, about a lot of different things..this would be my superpower if ever I had a choice.) But this was one of those moments, I don't know what it was that triggered it exactly but I was elated to be exactly where I was. Most times & most places I'm never sure if I exactly belong, I'm a hard puzzle piece to fit, but I know with every fiber of my being that I belong here.

New project: I was so focused on getting the slipper I was knitting finished that the day sort of flew by. It's cute right? Coming soon to the feet of a Rockette near you!!! I'm really proud, I just started the sole of the left one. Once I start something I get incredibly motivated & don't want to stop, in fact, as soon as I finish this post I am going to go right back to knitting. I need someone here to pry it out of my hands so I don't stay up all night stitching away...

If you're a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, a prayer, a magic bean buyer...

2009-10-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

Home sweet home. (for the next 10 days at least)

Sometimes I have these out of body moments where I step back and marvel at the sheer ridiculousness of my life. I got home from work at about 20 after ten o'clock at night. I'm always hungry after work. Normally, when you're hungry, you head for the kitchen, open the fridge, take a quick peek, grab something, & have at it. I, however, had to take the elevator down to the lobby, elbow my way through a crowded restaurant/bar full of strangers in business suits, people on vacation, & a handful of my Radio City family to pick up my carry out order. Pesto pizza. (not vegan. :( Shame on me, but there is a very limited menu this late at night) It's loud, karaoke night...People look at me funny...Hey, I may be wearing flowery boxer shorts & slippers but you're wasted, singing the worst rendition of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" that I've ever heard. How cliche.

"Just another day @ the office"

Work today, was 10 hours of lighting & working through the technical aspects of maybe the first 30 minutes of the show. Yes, 10 hours of tech = 30 minutes of a smooth running show. (& we're teching really quickly for a new show) It's tedious. Every one's balls (of their feet ;) hurt. It takes forever, but it's part of our J.O.B. & totally necessary. We can stand on stage in one spot for 15 minutes at a time while they light us, not incredibly exciting. Then after hours of standing we have to kick it into gear and run a full number with track, at tempo. 5, 6, 7, 8...We just get more tired & more slap happy...by the end of the night we're all on stage telling jokes, playing telephone, doing the wave & saying the most random things.

Keltie: " you know how before the fall (in Soldiers) the cannon comes out and shoots?'

Me: "Yea?"

Keltie: "What if instead of the flag coming out of the cannon, Fergie came out & sang 'Boom Boom Pow'?"

I love my friends. Tech is painful, being surrounded by wonderful people makes it so much better. I mean, it's going to happen, like it or not. So we may as well make the best of it. We really haven't gotten a moment to breathe since we got here. We traveled all day, got in late last night & started fairly early this morning. My room is a mess, I'm just now finding time to read my news paper. (ps - This article is super interesting, if you want a good read: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/opinion/20brooks.html?_r=1 )

Walking back into Hershey Arena after a full year was so strange. It's always exciting to see the stage for the first time, & super fun to see guys working on the crew that I made friends with last year. Another branch of my big, beautiful Radio City family. Coming back here, to the same hotel & arena, inspired some unexpected emotion. Dragging my luggage into my room for the first time in a year somehow reminded me of the place I was in emotionally & mentally last year. (PS- Hershey, PA is on Food Network right now! How crazy!) I was not in a good place at all, I was incredibly unhappy & equally unhealthy. It took me almost the whole night & all of today to figure out what to do with this awful deja vu. I realized it wasn't that difficult. Reliving that unhappiness made me check in with myself & appreciate the great strides I've made in the past year, leaving me feeling very grateful. It's amazing how much can happen in a year.

I'm thankful, slap happy, accomplished, achy, proud, caffinated (I needed a diet coke.) & kind of exhausted...All things considered, it's not a terrible place to be. Goodnight!

Farewell Waccamaw.

2009-10-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

Today marks the completion of phase one of Operation Christmas Across America. Our last day in Myrtle Turtle. Road boxes are packed, Ragdoll blocks are painted...Hershey, here we come! It's curious, I feel like we only just got here & at the same time feel like we've already been rehearsing forever. This is my last entry coming from the corner of my tiny bed, with a giant bottle of orange Gatorade sitting on the windowsill beside me in Keltie & my cute little condo. Farewell Plantation Station. It's been real. Thanks for the daily internet fiasco & the stinky fridge.

The last two days of rehearsal may have made Radio City history for me. I've never had the first three studio run throughs go as well as they did. I've never seen Julie happier with a cast. It's been INCREDIBLE. A-Team = cast of the century. I can only hope once we get to Hershey, Linda is equally as impressed with our work. So far (knock on wood) we've managed to push further & further without taking a single step backwards. I know the first time on the stage in a giant arena causes a bit of vertigo & a lot of nervous energy but I will just have to focus super hard. Teching a brand new show is a tedious process, especially when I have a sneaking suspicion Linda is going to change a ton of stuff once

she sees it from further away. Yikes.

During our second & final run of the show today we had some guests from other casts (in company management & stage management) watching. I had almost forgotten how much more fun it is to preform for people. (other than the ones with the eagle eyes watching for our every mistake ;) I was lucky to have some very good friends sitting & watching right on my line-up number. So, despite my tired legs & achy back, I was dancing for my life. It felt soooooo good. I love my job. I'm starting to embrace the pieces of choreography in the show that a couple weeks ago I found tedious & more challenging, the parts of the show where I can breathe deeply & gather energy (it's amazing how easy it is to forget to breathe....not good) & those brilliant little pieces of choreography I just live in. The ones I look forward to all show. I'm finding more of them every day. Julie told us today that one of our J.O.B. requirements is to have fun!!!! Amazing.

I know the next few weeks, before we open, are going to be jam packed with hard work & maybe some minorly unpleasant situations. (It's never fun when we're just standing on the stage lighting a number for 2 hours then have to run it top to bottom with cold muscles) But it's my j.o.b. I'm ready for it & I'm really excited for the next step in the process. It's not all bad...considering the arena is next to a theme park! (We're going on Halloween...which reminds me...Kelt, we need to figure out what we're going to wear for Halloween.) These next few days have been incredibly inspiring, how could I not be madly in love with life?

On that note, Myrtle Turtle Beach...I bid you adieu.

le petit bonheur

2009-10-16T15:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a couple days. Big, productive, happy, sad, slap-happy, slightly sweaty days.

So you remember on the 14th, when I said, "Oh I hope our directors lighten up a tiny bit?" The next day, they didn't. It was one of the most difficult rehearsal days I think I have ever been through. Ever. However, it was a positive day, started at 10:05am with the same kickline 5 times in a row for a camera crew...I tried to keep count of how many more kicklines we did that day, but I think once I got to ten and it wasn't even 2 hours into the day, I just stopped counting. By four fifty, I don't think I had a single box accent, bell ring, jingle bell clump, jump split, myrtle turtle dove, shine out, or group A off the bus left in my soul. It was one of those days you feel proud to have survived.

Incredibly enough, the next day, they gave our aching legs a rest. It was a productive day without a single eye high kick! Imagine that?! A gift like that from the directors is a huge acknowledgment of our hard work. It doesn't happen often, so I was so thankful. On the rehearsal deck there are two large cardboard tubes opposite each other near where we enter & exit the stage that simulate the huge light towers that are on our actual stage. Keltie helped me climb into one. (I knew it was inevitable the moment I first laid eyes on them) I danced around, everyone laughed. The environment in rehearsal is so much more enjoyable when our directors are pleased with us. If we're doing our job properly & making them happy, rehearsals can be so much fun, but as soon as we being to slack, that goes right out the door. Way less fun.

Yesterday was our first full cast show run through!! I start to get excited when I see everything coming together. It doesn't seem that long ago, we were just getting here & learning our first numbers... Yesterday was also our first time dancing without having the mirrors to use as a crutch. We had to rely solely on our own retention of the choreography & feeling each other dance & breathe. It went really, really well!!! I made a couple silly mistakes, so did everyone, but the overall impression was that we're in a great place. We even got out five minutes early. Five minutes doesn't seem like much until you really think about how many eye high kicks you can fit into five minutes. We're going to be so prepared when we step onto our stage for the first time in Hershey, on Thursday. We're going to need it, teching a new show is a tedious process.

Needless to say, today was a perfect day for a day off. I went to a gospel brunch at the House of Blues with nine other Rockettes. I had such a wonderful time, I love being able to work & befriend such cool girls. We even sang "This Little Light of Mine" with the singer of the gospel band that was playing!! The past week definitely earned me a fun social outing with lots & lots of food. (ugh...so much delicious breakfast food...it's my favorite)

There were a couple days in the past week that I found I was really harping on myself, something I have been trying not to do. Old habits die hard. There have definitely been some tears, rehearsal is always a very exhausting process, no matter how many years I've been doing the show. (Merry Christmas meltdowns are perfectly normal) It's just a reality that comes with the job, but you have to remember, it's only a Christmas show. Friday I was dancing in a brown & golden bowler hat with light up reindeer antlers on it at eleven in the morning, after that, a giant orange wig with a big green bow, how seriously can I possibly take myself?

There are times when it is hard to believe in the future, when we are temporarily just not brave enough. When this happens, concentrate on the present. Cultivate le petit bonheur (the little happiness) until courage returns. Look forward to the beauty of the next moment, the next hour, the promise of a good meal, sleep, a book, a movie, the likelihood that tonight the stars will shine and tomorrow the sun will shine. Sink roots into the present until the strength grows to think

about tomorrow.

-Ardis Whitman

There were so many things to be happy about in the past seven days...A- Team hair bows. Lemon white chocolate chip cookies. Old friends. New books. Love beads. Nativity lanterns. Bad ass warm-up playlists. Starbucks green tea presents. Ugly E.T. cakes. Text messages from lovely people. Hair flowers. Screaming jump splits. Slap happy Rockettes. It's the little things people. The little things make life so much more fun, pay attention. They can save your life & your mood. Sometimes it's all you have & if you're too busy looking the other way, you're just going to be a big pile of cranky. There is something to be said for the simple things. Every day won't be good but there's something good in every day, even if it's simple as a red & green hair bow. I choose what holds value in my life, & I would much rather enjoy wearing my new A-Team hair bow (from our assistant dance captain's crafty momma) than be irritated because I didn't want to run box accents in Ragdolls again.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

(from her book Return to Love)

I may not have it all figured out, (that's an understatement...I have no idea what I'm doing) but I'm fairly confident I have all of the pieces, I'm just slowly figuring out where each one fits...

If people were rain, I was drizzle, she was hurricane.

2009-10-14T17:32:00.001-07:00

I'm with Kelt on this one. Sometimes we both sit beside one another, separated by 15 feet & a wall, in our respective bedrooms, doors open, the smell of our candles & music pouring out of each one. We're both so tired we communicate through the wall by reading each others' blog & text messaging. Not every night of course, for example, Dancing With the Stars nights find us on the couch knitting together & discussing how frightening Donnie Osmond is, especially when he talks in third person...

Today was a rocky day. I went to the dark place a couple times mentally, but didn't allow myself to work any less than 100%. It's a bad sign when my legs feel this heavy and it's only Wednesday of week three. (We leave a week from today for Hershey, PA to start tech! Bye dirty Myrtle Turtle & Plantation Station!! Hello 11 hour tech days) Our directors keep telling us what a wonderful job we're doing & we keep praying for them to let up on us a little. It's not necessarily their job to be easy on us, but it's the compassionate thing to do. It's going to be a long, rough tour if we're already exhausted. We still have almost a month before we open!!!! Although I must admit it is rather exciting to be putting scenes together with the entire cast now. We have an incredibly talented ensemble of singers & dancers, who make rehearsal so much more agreeable by cheering us on while we're dancing. We, of course, do the same for them. We have so much fun together, I am a firm believer that casts who get along as well as ours does perform better. It also makes tour 200 times more enjoyable, considering we spend about 20 hours a day together! Monday I got to do an interview for Women's LifeStyle Magazine over my lunch break, it went really well! Tomorrow we're going to have news crews filming rehearsal all morning, I've had to turn the charm on all week.

The past couple days have left me a little frustrated. I have been feeling kind of like the harder I try to implement a more positive outlook, & be more accepting, & all of those things I've been talking about, the more I've sort of been feeling like things are falling apart, or like I'm losing control. A little defeated maybe? I try to dance harder, I make stupid mistakes. I spend more time focusing on treating my body properly, & my spine seems to get more screwed up & painful. I try to fix & rebuild relationships with people in my life, & I feel more neglected, or confused, or unhappy. Every dog has his day I guess...

I need to start being realistic about which of these things I even have control over. I was on a yoga retreat in August, & part of an exercise we did, involved all of us in a single file line, holding onto a rope. At one point, the woman who placed us in the order we were standing in, explained that she put us in certain places for specific reasons; the people towards the front were people who tried to control everything in their life. There I was, right in front. At first I thought to myself, she clearly doesn't know me...I'm nobodies control freak. Wait...am I? Ah ha moment. I am nearly incapable of just letting things happen around me. I can be so uptight that I can't even trust the universe to work in it's mysterious way. Instead I self inflict this giant burden of trying to control every aspect of every tiny thing in my life because I'm terrified the outcome won't be what I want if I don't. I have had such a white knuckle grip on so many things that it's difficult to let go, no wonder I feel like I'm getting carpal tunnel. How can I enjoy life's little suprises when I refuse to let them happen? It's impossible to manufacture life to be exactly how I want it to be. I can sit and pound away all day at that square peg but it's not going to fit into the triangle shaped hole, no matter how much I want it to.

It's about time to kick back & let the universe take some of that burden for me. What's meant to be will be. I've got enough things actually in my control to worry about. I can get so worked up about one aspect of my life that I completely neglect everything else, more often than not it's something negative that I've blown up to an epic proportion. Maybe if I stop trying to take responsibility for all the things I have no control over, I will have more time to enjoy the things I do. That almost sounds like a mental vacation. These are all such seemingly simple concepts, now why do they come so difficult to me? I feel like I have these brilliant epiphanies, that are common knowledge to everyone else. "What's meant to be will be?" Yep, I'm sure millions of people have that cross stitched on a throw pillow on their couch, & I'm acting like I just discovered a new galaxy. Better late than never I guess...:)

Tomorrow is a new day & I look forward to it. Everyone has a bad day, & everyone gets a little overwhelmed...that's life. What matters is how you move on from that point. I'm going to continue on this new little path I'm making, I'm sure there will be many more epiphanies fit for throw pillows in my future.

And the man said, "I'd like to replace your cat." And the lady said, "That's all right with me, but how are you with catching mice?

2009-10-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

Reason number 460 I love my job: I am surrounded by artistic, beautiful, talented, strong people. It would be a tragedy if I never took the time to observe & appreciate them. Their talents, quirks, style, personalities...everyone brings something uniquely theirs to the table. That's what makes what we do so special. Like, remember when the planeteers put their rings together to make Captain Planet? Earth...wind...fire...ect. (Wind was always my favorite) It just wouldn't work without all five of them, in the same way our line wouldn't work without each one of us bringing our own unique gift to the table. (Unfortunately the pay off isn't a giant green magical eco-maniac superhero...It's a Christmas Spectacular of epic proportion)

Wait one second...Hallmark is showing some kind of I Love Lucy marathon...Oh my God, & she's in a tutu in a ballet class...Magnificent. Lucille Ball was one of the most charming, gifted women to ever be in show business, God rest her soul.

I'm always looking for inspiration. Under every rock & behind every door. The world is filled to the brim with interesting, wonderful things, all you have to do is look. I find it's something that gets me through those six hours a day I spend in an abandoned mini-mall rehearsing when my elbow is flat & which count my bevel is open...I get tired, my mind starts going to the dark place, & one of the girls catches my eye, living in an eight count of choreography. I take note of it, why the hell am I not dancing like that... The thing about dancers is that we're very competitive in nature. It's how we get work. In rehearsal, competing with each other would be counterproductive. We, in fact, feed off each other in order to progress. It takes a lot of talent to put up a show of this caliber, it takes a lot of people giving 110%. I love to watch the other girls dance, I draw inspiration from the way they move. When I see someone doing something beautifully I try to incorporate it into my show. We drive each other, we push each other, motivate each other, inspire each other. We all use each other as tools to become better.

I am a dancer. I believe that we learn by practice. Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn to live by practicing living.... In each it is the performance of a dedicated precise set of acts, physical or intellectual, from which comes shape of achievement, a sense of one's being, a satisfaction of spirit. One becomes in some area an athlete of God.

~Martha Graham, c.1953

The same can be said for life in general. If you allow yourself to, you'll be amazed every day at the beauty that surrounds you. I try to pull from all of the things I love. Put my own twist on them & incorporate them into my every day life in my own special way. I collect things that make me happy in my closet, my iTunes, my iPhoto, on my bookshelves, in my journal, I weave them together into intricate patterns in my mind that make up the fabric of who I am... Music, friends, art, nature, family, surroundings, the way my beautiful friends dance...The world can be a pretty magical place, it's all a matter of how you look at it. If you choose to, you can see the world in bright bold colors too.

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.

2009-10-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

We all need a place so we can go,

And feel over the rainbow.

I made it! A day off couldn't be more in order. I don't think I have a strut kick, bell ring, block accent, big wheel or shine out left in my body. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but sometimes you just need a day to recuperate with a good book, knitting needles, tea, some television, good food & perhaps some freepeople.com. (Retail therapy. Yum. :)

So, my first year as a Rockette. I was just 18 years old, one of 12 new girls in a line of 18 women. I w

as the only new girl who, aside from having to learn a whole brand new show, had to also be a bear in the Nutcracker scene. (In the first act, there is a Nutcracker scene where Clara dances with big teddy bears. I was one of three big panda bears who dance the Chinese dance.) The way the bear costumes work, you put on a gigantic bear head, it secures with a chin strap, & you see out the nose of the bear, which is made from foam. But you can hardly see anything.

There are three colored lights at the edge of the stage, & asides from those three lights, you can't see much else. The feet are gigantic furry bear feet, maybe 2 or 3 times bigger than your own, with jazz sneakers inside them, that you put on & Velcro the bear feet closed over the jazz sneakers. At this point in time we were in tech rehearsals on stage at the Fox Theater in Detroit & there were tons of cameras everywhere because Fox was filming us for a documentary on the Radio City Christmas Spectacular in Detroit.

This was my very first time in my bear head & feet, on the stage with the big set pieces & the lighting. The stage is set so that we look very small, we're dancing under a gigantic Christmas Tree, surrounded by big, beautiful gifts. I was incredibly nervous because of how little I could actually see from within the giant panda head. (I mean these pandas must have been sumo wrestlers in their off season...) So, we scurry on to the stage from between two of the enormous gift box set pieces, & do our cute little panda dance. All I have left to do in order to successfully complete Operation: Panda is to scurry back upstage between two different gift boxes & off of the stage. Simple enough...right?

CRASH! (not simple for me) I turned upstage & ran directly into a set piece so hard that I bounced off it & landed on my back. & if that wasn't bad enough, I had ran into the set so hard that I had knocked my chinstrap lose so that the bear head had turned 90 degrees & was now looking over my right shoulder, leaving me completely blind, wriggling around trying to get upright like a turtle on it's back...Good one Shu. Keep in mind, Nutcracker is continuing around me, I'm in complete darkness, & all I can hear is Dance of the Mirlitons. (reed-flutes) So after what seems like an eternity, I manage to make it to my feet. I'm sure at this point, there's a small army of confused bears in tutus & pointe shoes trying to dance the Waltz of the Flowers while avoiding the disoriented, skinny little girl with the sumo panda head.

If I had any brains at 18, I would have simply turned the head, or better yet, removed it completely and exited stage left as fast as possible. Unfortunately, I did not do that. Instead I chose to leave the big bear head on, cockeyed, so I was still blind, & attempted to scale the large set piece obstructing my get away, like a mime. Until I found the edge, pulled myself around it, falling for a second time as soon as I got off stage. Only then did Dennis, our director, stop the scene to come over the microphone, gasping for breath in a fit of laughter, to ask if I was okay. Fortunately, that little incident didn't make it into the documentary.

It wasn't necessarily funny at the time (to me at least) but now it's one of my favorite stories to tell. I was 99% sure I was fired. Dennis was 99% sure that was the funniest thing he may have ever seen, but nope, here I am, seven years later. Still making ridiculous mistakes every so often. What can you do? I think as long as I don't keep making the same mistake, I'm doing pretty good. You fall down. You get up. The tough part is just letting go & moving on. (on & off stage) Your never going to give a perfect performance, there will always be something to improve on. Take note of your mistakes, don't dwell on them, & keep moving. Don't let those devastating "I wish the floor would swallow me whole right now" mistakes get the best of you, chances are, they'll make great stories later on. (& maybe prove useful to someone else. That story always makes an overwhelmed, frustrated new Rockette laugh. It also still makes some of the girls who've heard it over & over laugh. :) I don't mind people having a laugh at my expense, I do silly stuff all the time.) Being wrong & strong is better than not being anything at all.

& as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

2009-10-08T16:37:00.000-07:00

I am not a perfect girl. I am human. I make mistakes. Lots of mistakes. I don't always say the right thing. I get defensive quickly & have a horrible memory. I constantly contradict myself. I'm selfish, impatient & a little insecure. At times I can be dramatic, wild, & impulsive. Butterflies, losing my teeth & being taken advantage of scare the crap out of me.

"I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people."

John Lennon

I have friends who love me unconditionally. I am beautiful, wild, adventurous, strong, scared & a little untrusting. Sometimes too trusting, free, opinionated, ugly, sad, happy, & everything in between...I laugh at what I find funny, & I cry when I feel sad. I have skin & bones, muscles, a brain & an imagination that spans infinite galaxies. I'm artistic & at times a bit ridiculous. I believe in magic & I work for Santa Claus. I have intense emotion. I'm doing my best. I am like no one you will ever meet because I am me.

So if life was exactly like a choose your own adventure book (remember those? "If you decide to start back home, turn to page 14.

If you decide to wait, turn to page 22.") I may have cheated and gone back for the other option a couple times. Unfortunately, that's just not the way the universe works. Life is a series of choices of varying degrees of importance & there is no going back and choosing the other page. You make your decisions & you & the world around you change accordingly. Instead of looking for the rewind button, all anyone can do is make the best of the world they've created for themselves, like it or not. Make better mistakes tomorrow.

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning middle & end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, & making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..."

-Gilda Radner

Between rehearsal & my personal life, this week has at least a month of living crammed into the past five days. Like I mentioned, there were a few times I wanted to go back for that other page & see what may have happened had I chosen it. Would I be better off? Or would that have been the catalyst for something even worse? Who knows? The silly thing is that no amount of worrying or wondering will allow me to know. Not worrying or wondering is easier said than done. I've been thinking a lot in this manner, because perhaps it's time for a change of perspective. I've allowed myself to think in a way that isn't entirely healthy or conducive to a really fulfilling, happy life. I'm putting my foot down. Worry less. Smile more. Accept criticism. Take responsibility. Listen, love & don't hate. Embrace change. Feel good anyway. Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it's looking beyond the imperfections. In one of my favorite Ani Difranco songs she says, "There's a crowd of people harbored in every person, there are so many roles that we play," It's really true right? (Ani is a genius) For example, I play a great victim, I throw a mean pity party. I'm sure if I met myself in that context I wouldn't like myself that much, so I'm working on not being that girl anymore. If I stopped being her all together, think about how much more time & energy I would have to put towards being the mover & shaker I am?! This has been an ongoing project of mine, I'm trying to simplify my life...I'm still a work in progress. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps...(What About Bob...anybody? One of my favorite movies!!!)

Anyways, rehearsals have been tough. Physically exhausting. It's our J.O.B. as our director, Julie likes to remind us, & we love it. She's hard on us because we have so much potential to be an extraordinary line. We all know that but still sometimes it's difficult not to go to the dark place & be cranky because we have to go back and run a number all the way through again. I personally get a tiny bit impatient during the cleaning process, I'm working on it. I dance for the Radio City Rockettes. The Radio City Rockettes are the #1 precision dance line in the entire world. The devil is in the details & you can bet your space boots that we are given & drilled every teeny tiny detail down to where our elbow is on count 4 & how it's different than count 5. So I better throw that poor outlook on cleaning right out the window, it won't get me anywhere. In fact it will just make the day longer. What right do I have to do anything other than devour every blessed moment that I am getting paid to do exactly what I've dreamed of doing since I was a little girl? I don't deserve to if I'm going to take it for granted. I have a beautiful, brilliant, insightful, irreplaceable friend who has everything it takes to land her dream job, but she's still searching for that door...how can I complain? She deserves it just as much as I do. So do you.

"This is what you shall do: love the earth & sun & the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid & crazy, devote your income & labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience & indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons & with the young & with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, & your very flesh shall be a great poem & have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips & face & between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body..." -Walt Whitman

Go now & live.

2009-10-07T19:01:00.000-07:00

C'est la vie

2009-10-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

I've got the mean reds. My iPhone took a swan dive into the toilet while I was blowing my hair dry. There is a 0.01% chance that it will work once it's had a chance to dry properly but I doubt it. Today just was not my day.

The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect pause between the opposing miseries of summer and winter.

2009-10-01T17:53:00.000-07:00

In this Autumn of the year there be image
Pictorial earthtone's.....the artist's nirvana
Flecks of shades....bleed into each spray
Summer's closure.....sets on the causway

In this Autumn of the year there be breeze
Whisps feathering past......your ear lobes
In contrast to the gusts.....of Winter's sting
Autumn hails its thrust upon colored wings

In this Autumn of the year, there be rainfall
A subtle, chilling mist........that feeds th'soil
Preparing, for the fast confronting harvest
Showerings fall like angel-hair........tingling

In this Autumn of the year..... there be spice
A vast potpouri.....of kaleidoscopic majesty
Herbs 'n hickory smoke, from chimney tops
Country fairs and downtown sidewalk stops

In this Autumn of the year there be romance
Love that flowers 'n bonds with Soul n' Spirit
Spirits of October and Souls of Hallows Eve
A cornucopia of gift.....that's what autumn be

Frank James Ryan, Jr.

Maybe I was a little distracted in rehearsal today.

Oversized cardigans. Knit slipper socks. Fireplaces. Hot tea. Flannel sheets. Change. Big scarves & boots. Cidermills. Halloween. Sweet potatoes. Using the chill in the air as an excuse to stay cuddled close together. Apple picking. Scary movies. Pumpkin spice soy lattes. Long walks. Candy apples. For a few months the entire world's been washed in the most brilliant palette of my most favorite colors & everything seems to reflect the constant state of change life brings. Despite the melancholy feeling in the pit of my stomach, an annual symptom of my favorite season, my mind refuses to conceive anything but the most delicious of early mornings, afternoons & all night marathons filled with my favorite movies, autumn activities, people & treats. Sleeping late & breakfast in bed under flannel sheets & down comforters. Carving pumpkins with my favorite people after a day long excursion to the cidermill. All night Halloween movie marathons with popcorn & Halloween candy. Need I say more? Each daydream tucked away in the back of my mind; in the form of snapshots resembling a spread from an Anthropologie catalogue... Everything about autumn is so romantic.

ro⋅man⋅tic

[roh-man-tik]

–adjective

1.	of, pertaining to, or of the nature of romance; characteristic or suggestive of the world of romance: a romantic adventure.

2.	fanciful; impractical; unrealistic: romantic ideas.

3.	imbued with or dominated by idealism, a desire for adventure, chivalry, etc.

4.	characterized by a preoccupation with love or by the idealizing of love or one's beloved.

5.	displaying or expressing love or strong affection.

6.	ardent; passionate; fervent.

(usually initial capital letter) of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a style of literature and art that subordinates form to content, encourages freedom of treatment, emphasizes imagination, emotion, and introspection, and often celebrates nature, the ordinary person, and freedom of the spirit (contrasted with classical ).

imaginary, fictitious, or fabulous.

Today is the first day of the second retreat required to complete Life/Teacher Training from one of my favorite places on earth, the Yoga Shelter. (www.yogashelter.com) I attended the first one in late August & it was a life changing experience. I learned so much & made friends with a handful of inspiring, brilliant, incredible people. Although I'm very thankful that I'm here doing what I love, I wish so much that I could be there to continue the journey that we began back in August, with them. To my beautiful YS peeps: I love you all very, very much, I wish that you all get the most you can out of these next few days. I will be there in spirit, thinking about all of you & just might have to rock sparkly green eyeshadow in your honor!! Namaste.

"Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality."Dyer, Wayne

Guess what I found?!

2009-09-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

So I just found this on YouTube!! This is the very first "senior line" I ever danced in @ Juliana's Academy of Dance. (Yes, the same Juliana's Academy of Dance that Evan Kasprzak from last season of SYTYCD came from also :) I was 12 or 13. I can't tell you exactly where I am the entire number, but I remember I was center front in the fouette section, I did the partnering stage right & then danced stage right opposite a girl who hated my guts while another girl did a turning section @ center. Random, I know...keep in mind this is from 1998. I'm not going to lie...it definitely made me giggle.

Also, I can't stop listening to Church Clothes by Matt Nathanson. (Thanks Keltie)

I've spent more than my share on temptation

trying to cool my swollen tongue

Gorged myself on all that free good will

and left the others none

What I wear like church clothes,

you wear just like jewelry

All the simple things you revel in,

they just suffocate me

And I don't know anymore,

wish someone would tell me who to be

Because I'm ready, I'm ready to try anything

I'm dazzled by glamour and camera angles,

the drama and swagger of fools

sacrificed beauty once to chase after their parade

and spent my morning after

crawling back to you

I want to be brand new, I want to trade in these wings

Mine don't work like yours do